Thursday 27 January 2005

I've given up enjoying "Wife Swap" on Channel 4 now. It's turned into a cliche where all working class people are depicted as lazy, dirty Chavs and their middle class counter parts as control freaks. I'll let you into a secret, I almost did this series of Wife Swap! It was a very close thing and I thought it may have been a good career move. However I don't think we were wacky enough. Neither working class or middle class, not too many bad habits and anyway who would want to watch me asleep every afternoon? The gig went to a colleague of mine, her episode is going out next week and I'm looking forward to that. As well as being a very talented comic her domestic circumstances are, how shall I put it...unusual! You'll have to wait and see but she must have been a researchers dream.
Had my car serviced today, cost a fortune but it's going to have to last me a little longer yet. I love my car, she's never let me down but bits are starting to fall off. I'm also going to get it valeted because it's filthy and I'm ashamed when I see her parked up.
I've just taken a phone call from Ronnie Whelan! I'm 40 and still get giddy when footballing legends ring up and say "Roughy, it's Ronnie, how you doing?" Confession, sometimes I don't answer the phone so they have to leave a voice mail so I can play it to my mates! How sad is that?
Hair cut, sun bed, breakfast at Sainsbury's, maybe a snooze then a nice little gig in Yorkshire tonight.
FTM!

Wednesday 26 January 2005

January is a funny month in this business, there seems to be a real hangover from Christmas. My agents hardly ever ring with bookings. It happens every year and every year I start to think that my time is up, I'll never get a booking again. They do ring of course and I try not to sound too pleased to hear from them. I even had to turn down dates today as I was already booked...Business as usual!
As you'll know I went to a great comedy club in Manchesterford. Y and I enjoyed ourselves and some much needed talking was done. However I was conscious that someone I used to be very close to was performing and I wondered how we would react on seeing each other. It was polite and friendly, then I realised why I'd missed him so much, he's funny as fuck! Take the following exchange:
Female punter " That's a lovely shirt, where did you get it?"
AJB "My sister knitted it"
Punter "Oh can she knit me one too"
AJB "No, she died!"
A great way to deal with an annoying punter and made me laugh like a schoolboy!
FTM!

Tuesday 25 January 2004

Being a full time Comedian sounds interesting to most people, it can be but not all of the time.
My day is taken up with: Waking, washing, going into town, eating, surfing the record shops, clothes shops and second hand stores. The afternoon is generally the same, go on the net look at my favourite sites, Google myself to see what people are saying about me (yeah I know Abs, I I'm sad!).Then maybe sleep before either 1. Travel to work 2. Watch some television. Sometimes I'll do some admin, catch with some mates but not often. Some comics have full time jobs, I could never do that. I realised very early on that I couldn't concentrate on my work, all I thought about was the gig on that particular night. These days I often don't give the gig much thought. I tend to look forward to the ones of interest, where I'm working with people I like or if I'm going to a venue I like. I've got a couple of those in the next couple of weeks. One is a birthday party in one of my favourite parts of the world. OK I'm working but I'll be able to catch up with some people I don't see enough of.
Tonight is a treat, I'm going to watch comedy! Y and I are going to see three of my favourite comics. One of the lads is someone I started my career out with. He's done really well and I'm pleased to see him headlining some big gigs, it's maybe a pity that we can't share the relative successes we've had over a convivial pint. Such is life and the vagaries of friendship.
It's FA Cup weekend soon, Sunderland play Everton. My good friend and top comic BW is a Toffeeman. I'm not sure that there isn't a side bet on the result but there possibly should be!
On a totally different subject, it's great news to read of Michael Howard's party finally playing the race card and are going to demand immigrant quotas when they get in to power (stop sniggering at the back there!). The reason I think that it's good news is back in 1979 when Thatcher took the party to the right with comments like her famous "Swamped by an alien culture" it spelled the death knell for the odious NF as the Tories natural racists flocked back to their party. I'm hoping that will be the case for UKIP and the BNP. At least we know what the Tories are about, none of this wolf in sheep's clothing, "We are a legitimate party we wear suits" bollocks" that the BNP have been spouting for the past few years.
God bless Craig Bell(end)amy by the way
FTM!

Monday 24 January 2005

I had a unique experience at a gig the other night. I was in Durham City, a lovely gig in a venue that was having a late Christmas party for it's staff and loyal customers. Everything was going swimmingly, I was storming the gig in reasonably difficult circumstances (ie. they were all pissed and in fancy dress). 25 minutes in a massive fight breaks out right in front of the stage area. I stopped immediately, got the music back on and watched the fun. I thought that was me for the night, however the Landlady and most of the audience wanted me to go back on. Fucking hell how do I follow that? I did and the first few minutes was really tough, I got them back on track though and ended up doing one of the best gigs I've done for ages. It took me back to the early part of my mainstream career when I would do gigs in awful places for £150-£200 a time, the sights I saw...I had a knife pulled on me in Yorkshire, was threatened by a punter for asking him to move off the "stage" (actually it was the pool table area) and was chased to my car by people who thought I was funny but didn't like my shirt!
This week is dead exciting I've lot's of things lined up, some nice gigs and some stuff to work on. Later this week I've got a gig with my new friend Ronnie Whelan (ex: Liverpool FC legend ) more of that later.
Two thoughts: How come after a gig and my two pints of Shandy, I have the usual piss and within minutes of getting in the car I'm dying to go! and then within minutes of arriving home, I'm dying to go again!
I've never been a big fan of Matalan but their car parks are useful at times

Saturday 22 January 2005

I found today that my daughter M's operation failed. We haven't been given any reason why, but the consultant involved is flying to that London to get to the bottom of it.M's Mum trusts him 100%, that's enough for me! This little girl deserves more than our prayers and our love ,we just want to see see her run around like her friends.

Friday 21 January 2005

I suspect this is going to be badly spelled!
So my Blog this week?
I did find it fascinating that I was the inspiration behind a new Blogger. My favourite branch of the Sunderland Supporters Club, Coxhoe have recently introduced a blog to their normal web site stuff. This was attributed to me and my lil' diary. They can be found at www.safcsa-coxhoebranch.blogspot.com They have said nice things about me, yet that's not the reason they are mentioned! it's an organic thing this Blog stuff. I admit my friend AF's site had inspired me to write about my life in comedy, yet whilst the people closest to me piss themselves at AF's outpourings, mine don't even raise a giggle!
So....my jaunt, it's going to be brief, if you're waiting for hard core action and life- like sounds, then you're going to have to ring the number, wait to be put through and then they hang up on you! (and you never see the real stuff anyway!)
Tuesday 11 January 2005
Chased the storms up North. It's a lovely feeling, listening to Sally Traffic on Radio Two and all the bad weather is behind you (bit like the career really!) Arrived at my destination...a fucking Brewsters! I kid you not! Nice night though.
Wednesday 12 January 2005
I'd never eaten in an ASDA before, now I'm a committed Sainsbury's fan.... for food!
ASDA for cheap Trollies et al. But Sweet Baby Jesus! that food was horrific, dried up nonsense. And that was the best I was to get for what seemed like a fucking year!
Cafe Continental..you know who you are, on the sea front, looks like a fucking library! American Hot Dog with Chilli? Sorry?, it was more like "Iceland" "Lips and Arsehole" Jumbo type Sausage" with Chilli" When I said to the ..ahem.. "Waitress" that it wasn't in fact, an "American Hot Dog, avec Chilli" she said... "I know!"
luckily, this forward thinking establishment had left customer satisfaction notes on the table..I'm still writing the cunt, as we speak!!,........
I watch my favourite films at least once a month, sometimes one creeps up behind me and says "Fuck me, Roughy, you haven't seen me for a while!" But what and how, writes the song...says what's right or wrong?
Then...it was a bit of a blur!
I had the most amazing(post Bradford) curry I've ever had! It did things to my bottom that I've never experienced!
P.S. If you spell check SUNDERLAND on a Blogger spelcheck , it comes up with CINDERELLA!! Christ! if ever there was an apt title for us! : Two ugly sisters living next door; N**c***l* and Middlesbro'. Oh and also, you wanna try typing cunt!... it comes up as Shearer!
P.P.S
Don't write a Blog when you're half pissed!
FTM!

Wednesday 19 January 2005

I've been on a jaunt, visited some lovely places, met some lovely people. For those of you who've text me to ask how I am, don't worry! I'm fine just had some time to get my head together.
To the most important person in my life.......do I really need counselling for sex addiction?
The roads in Scotland are bad, drive carefullly!
Tune in for details of my jaunt
FTM!

Monday 10 January 2005

Career in crisis? I wouldn't go that far but it's been a difficult weekend.
Saturday, as you know I was "doubling up". I went to the last venue first, to check out the route and to sort out the sound etc. The place was in total darkness as there had been a power cut, this didn't augur well for the night ahead. I scooted off to Burnley to a lovely venue, The Inn on the Wharf, to do a wedding. I hate doing weddings, they're usually full of kids and relatives who've not seen each other in years. This was different. The couple had banned kids and they asked for my set to be "adult", whatever that means. It was a lovely little gig, I swore once, heard the sharp intake of breath from the oldies, so went on to do a nice gentle half hour, with some banter and audience participation. 25 minutes later I was in Clitheroe to do the second job. It was an annual bash for a load of building workers and their wives. The electricity was back on, they were all seated in anticipation I strode on stage confidently only to die on my big black arse! There are often reasons/excuses for dying (and it's only happened a handful of times to me) but those reasons/excuses don't come into play this time. They hated me, from their first look at me, they hated me! I don't know what it was but even the banker gags were falling flat. I had that familiar feeling of nausea, a dry mouth and I struggled with what to do next. I cut it short, said goodnight (to loud cheers and "get of man your crap!") and then had to find the MD of the company to ask for my fee. Surely the most humiliating part of the night! It certainly brought Mr. Ego down to earth.
I was up early on Sunday to travel to one of my favourite gigs. The Variety Club, Nottingham has the reputation of being a comedians graveyard. It's recently changed ownership and the crowds are only just starting to return. I died on my big black arse! They wouldn't listen, they talked continuously through my short spot. I walked off in disgust, was persuaded back on then walked off again! Some bright spark thought it funny to mention that £100 per minute isn't a bad wage.."then you fucking do it" was my less than gracious reply.
So am I losing it? I doubt it, maybe I've gone soft, preferring the cabaret setting to my bread and butter of the cut and thrust of pub gigs. I cut my teeth in front of rowdy audiences, I can handle them. Possibly I've moved onwards and upwards (that ego again), possibly it was just a couple of bad gigs. Unfortunately I've got a few days off when I really need to get back in the saddle (so to speak).
I am one of the best comics of my genre, I will bounce back..you just wait and see!
FTM!

Saturday 8 January 2005

I heard a brilliant story last night. A celebrated Comedian/Promoter on the sunny South Coast was doing a lunchtime after- dinner thing when one of his punters nodded off. It wasn't until he'd finished his set that he was told that the old gadgee had passed away! Round Table and the likes often have these lunches and I've done my fair share of them, I've had people fall asleep but never one that's gone and died on me, something to tell the Grandkids that one.
It's FA Cup Third Round day today. This was always a great day in the footy calendar, however I fear, since Disney United chose to go to South America a few years ago instead of taking part in the best club cup competition in the world (c. John Motson) it's appeal has waned. We got to the semi final last season and it still stirs the heart, unfortunately us up against the terminally dull Crystal Palarse doesn't set my pulse racing.
I watched Dom Jolly's new version of "Trigger Happy TV" last night, it's got a new title and it's gone global but the premise is the same. I smiled a lot at the pranks he pulled but the best bit was the music he chooses to accompany his films. One song leapt out as a tune I'd not heard in years and is definitely in my top ten "The Unguarded Moment" by Australian band "The Church", a fine piece of Rickenbacker, jingle jangle, West Coast sound. It's been in my heed ever since, I must track it down.
FTM

Friday 7 December 2005

It's been a strange day, despite having so much to do, plans to make etc. I've done very little apart from have a haircut and eat a bacon and sausage sarni!
The only excitement came half an hour ago when a voice mail message from a normally very reliable agent asking if I was still OK to do a wedding tomorrow in Burnley..ey? I'm already booked to do a post Christmas party for a load of hairy arsed builders in Clitheroe. Lot's of to-ing and fro-ing between me, the agents, clients and venues has resulted in me doubling up, something I hate doing. The agency concerned has had it's fair share of tragedy in the past months and there's obviously been a cock up in communication. But I'm not taking the blame. Let me re-assure you, every booking I take is entered into the diary by either myself or Y. In 7 years as a Professional Comedian I've never missed a booking or accidentally been double booked. So tomorrow will be a rush and I guess I'll not enjoy the gigs, but to be honest I'm not paid to enjoy them am I?
Come on Yeading!!
FTM!

Thursday 6 January 2005

I suppose in the spirit of fairness and in the light of some of the feedback I got from yesterday's Blog, I should, perhaps say that the people in Leigh can be very friendly and....oh yeah the motorway links are good!
Some might say (c. Noel Gallagher) that the city I'm from isn't exactly a multi cultural metropolis. Some may even go further and say that they "don't get Sunderland" (c. Some soft southern puff!). My home town has it's faults, it's obvious that Thatcher ripped the heart and soul from the place in the mid to late 80's by putting over 30,000 people out of work. Yet, despite living in the shadow of it's much smaller neighbour N**c***le, wonders have been performed in re-igniting the spirit of the city and it's people. Granted I'd rather see men toiling where the marina now stands, however the centre has been transformed into a nice compact shopping village with two decent department stores and the world's largest Poundland (somewhere to get all those batteries for your gadgets and rust cleaner for when you've given up using the bicycle!). We also have a magnificent coastline, somewhere to chill, eat dreadful bacon sarni's and watch people have fun at the National Watersports Centre!We are rightfully proud of our beaches in County Durham, they are ours and whilst we do appreciate that the Northumberland coast is beautiful, it is, just that, the Northumberland coast. Last time I looked N**c***le didn't have one. The Empire Theatre is something else to be proud of, now with an extended stage we have the largest of all the north east regional theatres. The nicest new stadium in England, the most loyal set of fans, thankfully no equivalent to the notorious Pigg Market, the best social housing in the UK, thanks to a Labour Administration voted in every time since 1947. Oh and the greatest comedian of all time..Bobby Thompson.
Spent a convivial few hours in one of my favourite places last night. Yes, I was in Bradford (again, much maligned, wrongly in my opinion). I was in a lovely pub, high up on Baildon Moor. I wish all nights could be this friendly and easy.
I was back home in time to watch the previous night's "Shameless", classic writing and truly powerful performances. Paul Abbot has tapped into the Chav culture so accurately. I had the pleasure of meeting said Mr. Abbot and I have worked on one or two of his dramas. He is a class act.
Quote of the week:
Customer in pub
"Can you tell me what the Italian Steak is, exactly?"
Spotty teenage Waitress
"It's er....steak in, er...Italian Sauce"
Customer (OK then, it was me!!!)
"What's the Italian sauce like?"
Spotty, annoying as fuck, gum chewing Waitress
"It's got 'erbs and that in it"
And we fought for a minimum wage so twats like her could have money to save up for a double buggy and hair straighteners for little Courtney-Lee and Davina-Magenta!
Shameless indeed!
FTM!

Wednesday 5 January 2005

Still got a man cold!
spent the day frustratingly trying to sort out business matters, writing cheques for commission to agents, sending stuff and in one case resending stuff that was sent ages ago....then!
I made my way into this shit hole of a town that I live in. This is 2005 and the fucking shops close early on a Wednesday, the Printers, the Barbers, the Post Office even! Sorry Mr. 15% your cheque would've been in the post but my car got caught behind a hansom cab taking miners children to do a 16 hour day downt pit! This is a town without any rail links, a bus service that takes an hour and a quarter to get into Manchesterford 16 miles away! No department store (unless you count a giant "Wilkinsons"), four (count them!), four pund shops, seven charity shops on the main (and let's be honest, only) shopping parade, six pasty shops and four cafes, do these bastards ever cook? And you're never five minutes away from a nutter in Leigh, including the bizarre sight of a woman with a 1970's comb over a la Bobby Charlton! Leigh does have one grade 1 listed building, Avacab taxi rank, a fine example of 1930's deco. Unfortunately they cut it in half to make it into a taxi rank! We have newsagents that only sell two newspaper titles, and stock only 3 packets of cigarettes, not three brands, but three packets! In a local cafe recently, I asked for a clean ashtray and the spotty herbert serving responded with the classic line "We haven't got any clean ones!" I'm from a large city (yes it is a city you Black n White scumbags!) I've lived in large cities, that London, for one, Wakefield and Bradford and I've never encountered such wholly white, badly dressed, monocultural twats as the ones I see hanging around Leigh in the day time! The place really is twinned with Royston Vasey! I'll get into trouble for writing this.
So fuck!
FTM!

Tuesday 4 January 2005

Mark Rough has a man cold! As a resullt of this and the fact that he has testicles he will be snuffling in bed all day!

Monday 3 January 2005

It sometimes feels strange writing this. I know that it's read by thousands of people and the advice I was given by a veteran blogger, was to write it as though no-one reads it. I find that difficult, I'm aware that people do read it, that's why names are very rarely mentioned, unless I have point to make or if it's important to the narrative. The point I'm making is that everything I write is true, sometimes the stories don't match the dates, sometimes I remember something that I didn't include and it then becomes part of that days diary!
Last night's gig was a strange one, I was in a small hotel/inn in Leicester standing in once again for a comic who has taken ill over Christmas. As this comic is a singer/comedian it's difficult for me to replace him as he does almost 90 minutes on stage. So last night, the agent had booked a jazz singer to help fill in. Not that he told me this, so as people were eating I humped my PA system in, only to have to dismantle it when fucking Ella Fitzgerald tuned up! The proprietor then insisted he wanted the singer to do her first spot at 10.15 , so it was well past 11pm when I eventually took to the stage. It was a good one. I've learned over the past year to pace my act to suit a quiet/older audience. I used to have the attitude that they would soon come around to my style, that was never really the case. So I tone down the Mackem Motormouth stuff. A lot of my colleagues in the industry would never recognise the Roughy that was on stage last night. It is working, the sort of jobs I'm now getting shows that the agents are beginning to trust me in a totally mainstream situation.
FTM!

Sunday 2 January 2005

Picture the scene, I'm starving, I've have had an Indian restaurant/takeaway recommended highly to me. Having lived in Bradford for so long I can be very critical of Indian food. It' s just never up to Bradford's standards. It arrives, swimming in Ghee, the wrong starters, miniscule portions and very very expensive (you can still eat in a restaurant in Bradford for a fiver!) I ring said takeaway (Oh alright then it's The Blue Tiger, Chapel Street, Leigh!). They explain that they don't do Vegetable Paccora. (Ey? fry some fucking vegetables in batter! hey presto!) so they substitute it with Onion Bhaji. I demand a refund even though O. seems to be enjoying her girly Korma. I hotfoot it down there in a Roughy grump, planning my big speech in front of a packed restaurant. I don't even get the satisfaction of enjoying watching the owner squirm. The money (all of it) is handed over with the minimum of fuss (bastards!). Another takeaway is ordered this time from the Leigh Tandoori (Twist Lane, Leigh) They don't do Vegetable Pacorra either! I order Mushroom Bhaji's. Predictably it's shite, it goes into the bin and by now I'm in a frenzy, desperate for spicy food and everywhere is starting to close. A Chinese is ordered and shouty Roughy collects it and then I'm stopped by the police and breathalised! It got the all clear of course, but I almost get arrested for ranting to the coppers about what an absolute shithole Leigh is and that they can't do proper takeaway food, the pie and chips are crap and that you can't get Cod OR batter bits for love nor money. The Rozzer was sympathetic, him being from the cultural metropolis that is Wigan. He said he'd drop some takeaway flyers through the letter box..but how will I know it's him that's left them?
FTM!

Saturday 1 January 2005

I shall never drink Vodka again!
I saw the new year in listening to "If you're Thinking Of Me" by Dodgy and "Motorcycle Emptiness" by The Manics, a typically upbeat time for Roughy then ey? I also watched the fireworks, thought of times past and the victims of the awful tragedy in the east. As I watched the stars I wondered if the sky was as clear in the (real) north east?
Vodka is an honesty drug to me, beyond the bluster and bullshit sometimes the truth, thankfully, emerges and though it's sometimes a relief, it doesn't half get me in bother!
So I watched my favourite film, got rat arsed and stumbled into bed at 8am!
FTM!

Friday 31 January 2005

My wishes for 2005.
That my daughter M. goes through the year with her usual humour and patience.
That daughter A. carries on enjoying drama classes and continues her excellent school work.
That peace descends on Leigh.
That Sunderland AFC retain their rightful place in the Premiership.
That my health holds up so my travels from Cornwall to Aberdeen and back can be done with the minimum of fuss and lots of laughs on the way.
Health and happiness to you all
FTM!