have I been inactive that long?
I haven't spent the summer on my arse dear readers, it's been an interesting time, lots happening, some good some not so........
Summer is a quiet time for comedy all over the UK, hence visits to Benidorm etc. However I've done some smashing gigs and a couple when it just didn't work!
My new irritant is people cancelling gigs at the last minute. This has happened to me five times over the summer. It leaves very little time to rearrange things and I hate not working on a Friday or Saturday night. On the final occasion I had to get tough and demand a cancellation fee of 100% of the money due..it worked, so I'm going to start doing that for all late cancellations.
Things are looking up health wise. I've almost given up Vodka, I'm eating well and it's staying down (too much information I know!). At this rate I'm going to be as fat as twenty men, but wasn't I always!
I've got a great couple of gigs at the end of the week, the sort of ones you really look forward to. I'll tell you all about them next week.
As you'll know my beloved Sunderland AFC are struggling at the foot of the Premiership. The job that Mick McCarthy has done at the SOL is amazing but even I'm starting to think promotion was a step too far. I hope he and the team prove me wrong, we deserve a team to be proud of.
FTM!
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Wednesday 13 July 2005
I've got an incredible hangover! I'm leaving for home later today with a case full of fags and vodka, not that I ever want to see a glass of vodka again in my whole life.....
Last nights gig was videod, it wan't the best but I had a nice crowd in who were with me all the way.
FTM!
Last nights gig was videod, it wan't the best but I had a nice crowd in who were with me all the way.
FTM!
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Tuesday 12 July 2005
It's strange the type of people who read this blog, I get emails from all over the world...are they mad? or just bored?!! One person reads this religiously despite the only thing we have in common is that we share a cleaner!
Last night was a tough little gig, I was in Rockafella's next door to my usual venue. I was following an Elvis tribute and people who know me are aware of my views on the bloated racist twat. There were 8 people in the room when I went on. However I manged to build up a nice atmosphere and the room was two thirds full when I finished my 60 minute set. You see the problem is, over here is that the acts follow on from each other immediately and they always over run. As a consequence if the act preceding you is either crap or on a different plane to comedy then the people just walk on to the next venue. So we actually like people walking in during our act, it's unusual for comedy I know but it proves that people like what they see.
Crissy Rock gave me the first chapter of her auto biography last night. I could've cried there and then when I read it. I saw the pain etched on her face as I read, yet two minutes later she was on stage doing her stuff to a packed out crowd. I've never really trusted Ken Loach and his almost voyeuristic filming of working class life. But casting Crissy in "Ladybird Ladybird" was a stroke of genius. Let's be under no illusions Crissy Rock is the best female comic in the world at the moment, her act isn't an act, it's her life being acted out on stage. When she talks about her husband battering her or being abused by Nuns she's telling the truth as well as making us laugh. An example A Nun asks Crissy what she wants to be when she grows up "A Prostitute" she replies "What" says the Nun " A Prostitute" Crissy repeats. The Nun looks relieved and says "Thank fuck for that, I thought you said Protestant!"
Crissy is wasted in Benidorm, she should be filling theatres back in the UK and she should be a regular on our TV screens. Ok this is a bit gushing..so what? I can!
It's my last night tonight, I'm going to miss the people here but I have been invited back.
Soon home to my girls though and my Northern Light.
FTM!
Last night was a tough little gig, I was in Rockafella's next door to my usual venue. I was following an Elvis tribute and people who know me are aware of my views on the bloated racist twat. There were 8 people in the room when I went on. However I manged to build up a nice atmosphere and the room was two thirds full when I finished my 60 minute set. You see the problem is, over here is that the acts follow on from each other immediately and they always over run. As a consequence if the act preceding you is either crap or on a different plane to comedy then the people just walk on to the next venue. So we actually like people walking in during our act, it's unusual for comedy I know but it proves that people like what they see.
Crissy Rock gave me the first chapter of her auto biography last night. I could've cried there and then when I read it. I saw the pain etched on her face as I read, yet two minutes later she was on stage doing her stuff to a packed out crowd. I've never really trusted Ken Loach and his almost voyeuristic filming of working class life. But casting Crissy in "Ladybird Ladybird" was a stroke of genius. Let's be under no illusions Crissy Rock is the best female comic in the world at the moment, her act isn't an act, it's her life being acted out on stage. When she talks about her husband battering her or being abused by Nuns she's telling the truth as well as making us laugh. An example A Nun asks Crissy what she wants to be when she grows up "A Prostitute" she replies "What" says the Nun " A Prostitute" Crissy repeats. The Nun looks relieved and says "Thank fuck for that, I thought you said Protestant!"
Crissy is wasted in Benidorm, she should be filling theatres back in the UK and she should be a regular on our TV screens. Ok this is a bit gushing..so what? I can!
It's my last night tonight, I'm going to miss the people here but I have been invited back.
Soon home to my girls though and my Northern Light.
FTM!
Monday, July 11, 2005
Monday 11 July 2005
Well it had to happen eventually didn't it? I had the stormer of all storming gigs last night and the two people I wanted to be there to see it weren't! I knew straight away that the packed crowd were up for it. I'm getting a bit of a reputation here as a comic doing something slightly different and my audiences are reflecting that. I got an encore and a standing ovation! Get me!
My new apartment is the bollox, so I slept for over 9 hours fantastic!
It looks like I'm coming back in September and I'm bringing K and M and hopefully A if we can get a week off school for her. I'm missing the girls so much, it wouldn't feel right if I didn't!
Well I'm up and about and going to have my first proper meal for over 5 days and I'm going to be all Benidormy and have a full English in the Yorkshire Bar!
FTM!
My new apartment is the bollox, so I slept for over 9 hours fantastic!
It looks like I'm coming back in September and I'm bringing K and M and hopefully A if we can get a week off school for her. I'm missing the girls so much, it wouldn't feel right if I didn't!
Well I'm up and about and going to have my first proper meal for over 5 days and I'm going to be all Benidormy and have a full English in the Yorkshire Bar!
FTM!
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Sunday 10 July 2005
I've been really poorly but well looked after! Firstly a sore throat then a re- occurance of my stomach/liver trouble. Discovered a great new Brandy liquer to drink just before stage time. Don't know whether it cures the throat or the stomach but it certainly makes you feel better!
Last couple of nights gigs have been OK, despite me being under the weather. They're starting to get me now and I'm building up a bit of a following. Poor Crissy had an awful heckler in last night so we didn't get to see her full show but I got a lesson in how to deal with rowdy crowds!
We went to see the Beatles tribute, they're Dutch and their "Scouse" accents are hilarious but the music is great.
Up early this morning as my moaning about the noise at my apartment paid off so they moved me to a beautiful luxury place right next to work. We did the market thing and had slush puppies, just the job in this weather.
My youngest daughter M. was a flower girl at a family wedding yesterday, K sent me a photo, she looked beautiful and seemingly she was dancing til 10.30pm! What a star!
Just on my way to work now, alone and bereft.....looks like they're going to get a good one as I seem to work better when I'm pissed off!
FTM!
Last couple of nights gigs have been OK, despite me being under the weather. They're starting to get me now and I'm building up a bit of a following. Poor Crissy had an awful heckler in last night so we didn't get to see her full show but I got a lesson in how to deal with rowdy crowds!
We went to see the Beatles tribute, they're Dutch and their "Scouse" accents are hilarious but the music is great.
Up early this morning as my moaning about the noise at my apartment paid off so they moved me to a beautiful luxury place right next to work. We did the market thing and had slush puppies, just the job in this weather.
My youngest daughter M. was a flower girl at a family wedding yesterday, K sent me a photo, she looked beautiful and seemingly she was dancing til 10.30pm! What a star!
Just on my way to work now, alone and bereft.....looks like they're going to get a good one as I seem to work better when I'm pissed off!
FTM!
Friday, July 08, 2005
Friday 8 July 2005
Last nights gig was wierd, It's almost as though the events in London hadn't taken place, people just seem intent on partying. So does it sound awful of me to say I had a good gig when people were suffering back in the UK? I guess the old adage "the show must go on" apply's here.
Up early after a really sleepness night. I decided to have an early night but was poorly and having a Spanish night club downstairs to me didn't help!
I'm hoping lot's can be resolved today.
FTM!
Up early after a really sleepness night. I decided to have an early night but was poorly and having a Spanish night club downstairs to me didn't help!
I'm hoping lot's can be resolved today.
FTM!
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Thursday 7 July 2005
Woke up to news of todays tragic explosions in London. I have friends and family there, they're safe and well. I've spent the day watching events unfold on the TV and internet. There's nothing I can really say Londoners have been here before their natural stoicism will see them through I'm sure.
This all seems a bit trivial now...last nights gig was a massive success after a couple of ropey ones. I did the 10.pm spot and had a great gig in front of a full house, I'm doing the same tonight!
NB: For sale: Brand new Mazda 6, hardly used. (Only joking!)
FTM!
This all seems a bit trivial now...last nights gig was a massive success after a couple of ropey ones. I did the 10.pm spot and had a great gig in front of a full house, I'm doing the same tonight!
NB: For sale: Brand new Mazda 6, hardly used. (Only joking!)
FTM!
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Wednesday 6 July 2005
The last couple of days have been hard, the gigs were so so and I had a massive bust up with someone close when my truth drug ( Vodka) kicked in. Anyway it's been sorted now and tonight I'm swapping times with Crissy Rock, she´s doing my graveyard shift as we think she'll get a crowd at whatever time she goes on and I'm doing her prime 10.00pm slot.
I haven't really done a lot over her to be honest. I came to rest and that's what I've done, though the heat is too much...might get even hotter after 10am Friday!
FTM!
I haven't really done a lot over her to be honest. I came to rest and that's what I've done, though the heat is too much...might get even hotter after 10am Friday!
FTM!
Friday, July 01, 2005
Saturday 2 July 2005
Fantastic show! I busked it with the audience and they loved it!
I´m missing my girls today, I´m having make do with brief phone calls that leave you lower than a snakes bollox!
FTM!
I´m missing my girls today, I´m having make do with brief phone calls that leave you lower than a snakes bollox!
FTM!
Friday 1 July 2005
Last nights gig was much better! I wasn´t hitting all the right notes and some gags fell a bit flat but the audience, still ridiculously small, stuck with me and gave me a lovely round of applause at the end. It´s not quite right yet but it´s getting there.
Had a wierd moment in the indoor market yesterday, there´s a shop here selling savaloy dips a real Sunderland delicacy (see Blog passim) so I sat in the blazing sun eating a perfect Mackem breakfast! It reminded me of the Bobby Thompson gag when he´s at the seaside with his wife "Ee Bobby I fancy a dip" to which the Little Waster replies "But you´ve just had a pork pie!"
I´ve become really close to Crissy Rock, her act is sublime and unusually for out here, 100% original. She´s a top bird and a wasted talent. She should be headling all the top clubs back home in the UK. Unfortunately life isn´t often good to her and she just doesn´t get the breaks she deserves.
I went to see some of the comics out here last night. They are all very talented but so out of date, it´s like some Wheel Tappers and Shunters nightmare. In fact The Wheel Tappers is one of the most popular clubs out here!
FTM!
Had a wierd moment in the indoor market yesterday, there´s a shop here selling savaloy dips a real Sunderland delicacy (see Blog passim) so I sat in the blazing sun eating a perfect Mackem breakfast! It reminded me of the Bobby Thompson gag when he´s at the seaside with his wife "Ee Bobby I fancy a dip" to which the Little Waster replies "But you´ve just had a pork pie!"
I´ve become really close to Crissy Rock, her act is sublime and unusually for out here, 100% original. She´s a top bird and a wasted talent. She should be headling all the top clubs back home in the UK. Unfortunately life isn´t often good to her and she just doesn´t get the breaks she deserves.
I went to see some of the comics out here last night. They are all very talented but so out of date, it´s like some Wheel Tappers and Shunters nightmare. In fact The Wheel Tappers is one of the most popular clubs out here!
FTM!
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Wednesday 29 June 2005
So....Ive arrived in Benidorm to do my first shows here for a while. Bit of a panic last night before I left for the airport. I had everything packed and went and did lovely gig in Atherton near where I live. And pomptly lost my wallet! I think I know where it is, guess I´ll find out when I get back.
It´s very hot here, my apartment is decent and I was met at the airport by Edwardo the club owner. The venue is great, unfortunately I have the graveyard slot at 12.15 am following a cabaret act that attract ladies of a certain age, definately not my crowd. I was delighted to learn that I´m on the same bill as Crissy Rock one of my all time favouirite comics.
I was nervous as this was the same venue complex as the one where I died on my big fat arse back in ´99. Even walking into the dressing room sent a shiver up my spine.
The afternoon was eventful for one reason, I forgot the name of my apartment and where it was. I was lost for two hours wandering around looking for the bugger. A couple of frantic calls to Scotland and I soon grabbed a cab and got back for a snooze.
I had a couple of beers in what is now my local, the New York Bar, run by a couple from Wigan, then set off over the road for work. The venue was packed, Crissy was very supportive, as were all the staff as they all knew what lay ahead for me! As soon as "Words and Music" (yes, really!) finished their umpteenth Enrique Inglaisies number I was introduced straight on! That´s how it works here, no breaks in between the acts. My audience were walking out in droves as I introduced myself. I´ll admit I did struggle, the crowds here are so used to see some old guy in a bow tie doing ancient material about "wogs and mothers in law" I wasn´t happy but vowed to put right tomorrow whatever had gone wrong tonight.
It´s very hot here, my apartment is decent and I was met at the airport by Edwardo the club owner. The venue is great, unfortunately I have the graveyard slot at 12.15 am following a cabaret act that attract ladies of a certain age, definately not my crowd. I was delighted to learn that I´m on the same bill as Crissy Rock one of my all time favouirite comics.
I was nervous as this was the same venue complex as the one where I died on my big fat arse back in ´99. Even walking into the dressing room sent a shiver up my spine.
The afternoon was eventful for one reason, I forgot the name of my apartment and where it was. I was lost for two hours wandering around looking for the bugger. A couple of frantic calls to Scotland and I soon grabbed a cab and got back for a snooze.
I had a couple of beers in what is now my local, the New York Bar, run by a couple from Wigan, then set off over the road for work. The venue was packed, Crissy was very supportive, as were all the staff as they all knew what lay ahead for me! As soon as "Words and Music" (yes, really!) finished their umpteenth Enrique Inglaisies number I was introduced straight on! That´s how it works here, no breaks in between the acts. My audience were walking out in droves as I introduced myself. I´ll admit I did struggle, the crowds here are so used to see some old guy in a bow tie doing ancient material about "wogs and mothers in law" I wasn´t happy but vowed to put right tomorrow whatever had gone wrong tonight.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
It's been a funny month, still having bouts of ill health along with the odd catastrophe! It's only when I come to compile what's been happening that I start to realise how full my life is.
As you know Sunderland AFC were promoted as Champions along with Wigan Athletic, I live in the Borough of Wigan so it was nice to see football takes it's place as the country's biggest sport in a town dominated by that weird game of Rugby League. Strangely enough, the last time we went up as Champs I was living in Bradford and they came up in second place with us!
I'm really enjoying living on my own, though it can get lonely, I love getting up in the morning and playing The Clash at full volume (I still haven't got anyone living downstairs to me) The village/town itself is nice enough, not too far removed from the pit community I grew up in. I've got myself a nice local pub, The Mort Arms, and love chatting to the old men in the afternoon over £1 a pint Holts bitter. There was a bit of a scare when someone thought I was an undercover police officer after I'd enquired after some cut price fags! They obviously don't know me too well. I'm doing a gig there in aid of Holts Brewery's chosen charity Christies Hospice, I'm bringing my friend BW along with me and I'm hoping it'll be a good night.
Work wise, it's still busy, there have been some great gigs and one or two not so good. Remarkably one of these was a dinner in Hebburn, South Tyneside, a gig I would normally storm. I was on with Peter Shilton (who,it has to be said, was a gentleman throughout signing hundreds of autographs). I compered the night, something I'm not overly keen on doing as even I get sick of the sound of my own voice by the end of the night. I also think it sort of takes away the "guest speaker" element of my role in closing the evening. It didn't help that Mr. Shilton told, word for word, my opening joke ten minutes before my act was due to begin. It happens on the mainstream circuit and I shouldn't get too precious but it did knock the wind out of my sails and put me on the back foot. I struggled a bit but managed to get the crowd back on my side by the time I did the auction. Note to self, why do I always write about the dodgy gigs and not the ones I regularly storm? Maybe I think a little bit more about the ones that don't go so well...note to agents and bookers, in almost 2500 gigs I've died less than a dozen times OK?
I've recently spent some real quality time with my youngest daughter M. She's such a chatterbox and a joy to be with. We even went to a pub and had lunch together...I know you've read my thoughts on children in pubs and I admit I'm a hypocrite. Speaking of which, my continuing battle with Brewsters chain of ..er....Restaurants is ongoing. "Why do you go in them Mark?" I hear you cry? Well often they are attached to the Travel Inn I'm staying at and I've little choice. The most recent example was in Whitehaven, I approached the bar and asked the peculiarly looking waitress if I could have an ashtray, I looked on incredulously as she walked back to the table I'd just come from and brought me my own dirty ashtray with the a triumphant look on her face not seen since she completed the Take A Break crossword! Needless to say a Roughy withering look soon put the situation right. So I've come up with my own way of letting Brewsters know what I think of them. As you'll be aware, being a working Comedian involves long hours on the road travelling, with very few opportunities for a lavatory break...Solution? I now only go to the bog if I see a Brewsters, so far I've dumped in 19 of them and I've actually got a UK map with all of them marked out courtesy of Travel Inn! My next plan involves a trip out with my mates in Bradford. Ten pints of Timothy Taylor's Landlord and a Bradford curry! At the last count there were 9 Brewsters between Bradford and my home in Manchesterford and I intend using them all!
FTM!
As you know Sunderland AFC were promoted as Champions along with Wigan Athletic, I live in the Borough of Wigan so it was nice to see football takes it's place as the country's biggest sport in a town dominated by that weird game of Rugby League. Strangely enough, the last time we went up as Champs I was living in Bradford and they came up in second place with us!
I'm really enjoying living on my own, though it can get lonely, I love getting up in the morning and playing The Clash at full volume (I still haven't got anyone living downstairs to me) The village/town itself is nice enough, not too far removed from the pit community I grew up in. I've got myself a nice local pub, The Mort Arms, and love chatting to the old men in the afternoon over £1 a pint Holts bitter. There was a bit of a scare when someone thought I was an undercover police officer after I'd enquired after some cut price fags! They obviously don't know me too well. I'm doing a gig there in aid of Holts Brewery's chosen charity Christies Hospice, I'm bringing my friend BW along with me and I'm hoping it'll be a good night.
Work wise, it's still busy, there have been some great gigs and one or two not so good. Remarkably one of these was a dinner in Hebburn, South Tyneside, a gig I would normally storm. I was on with Peter Shilton (who,it has to be said, was a gentleman throughout signing hundreds of autographs). I compered the night, something I'm not overly keen on doing as even I get sick of the sound of my own voice by the end of the night. I also think it sort of takes away the "guest speaker" element of my role in closing the evening. It didn't help that Mr. Shilton told, word for word, my opening joke ten minutes before my act was due to begin. It happens on the mainstream circuit and I shouldn't get too precious but it did knock the wind out of my sails and put me on the back foot. I struggled a bit but managed to get the crowd back on my side by the time I did the auction. Note to self, why do I always write about the dodgy gigs and not the ones I regularly storm? Maybe I think a little bit more about the ones that don't go so well...note to agents and bookers, in almost 2500 gigs I've died less than a dozen times OK?
I've recently spent some real quality time with my youngest daughter M. She's such a chatterbox and a joy to be with. We even went to a pub and had lunch together...I know you've read my thoughts on children in pubs and I admit I'm a hypocrite. Speaking of which, my continuing battle with Brewsters chain of ..er....Restaurants is ongoing. "Why do you go in them Mark?" I hear you cry? Well often they are attached to the Travel Inn I'm staying at and I've little choice. The most recent example was in Whitehaven, I approached the bar and asked the peculiarly looking waitress if I could have an ashtray, I looked on incredulously as she walked back to the table I'd just come from and brought me my own dirty ashtray with the a triumphant look on her face not seen since she completed the Take A Break crossword! Needless to say a Roughy withering look soon put the situation right. So I've come up with my own way of letting Brewsters know what I think of them. As you'll be aware, being a working Comedian involves long hours on the road travelling, with very few opportunities for a lavatory break...Solution? I now only go to the bog if I see a Brewsters, so far I've dumped in 19 of them and I've actually got a UK map with all of them marked out courtesy of Travel Inn! My next plan involves a trip out with my mates in Bradford. Ten pints of Timothy Taylor's Landlord and a Bradford curry! At the last count there were 9 Brewsters between Bradford and my home in Manchesterford and I intend using them all!
FTM!
Friday, April 29, 2005
Friday 29 April 2005
Well, the dedication in my last entry set the cat amongst the pigeons!For anyone remotely interested it was dedicated to one of my agents, specifically because, she's gorgeous, friendly and also sent me an email berating me for not updating my blog!
It's been a strange week. I saw my daughters, I've been ill (again!) and had a blow out on the A19 whilst doing 70mph in the outside lane!.....I survived!
I went to my eldest daughter A's parents evening isn't it remarkable how young the teachers look? They weren't like that in my day I can tell you.She's done very well this year I'm not going to bore you with the details like those deranged people who send Christmas messages full of dull information on how their year has gone and how little Johnny is on target to be a Brain Surgeon/Astronaut! She's done better than she did last year and she's on track to beat the targets set for her at the beginning of the school year. I had a lovely afternoon with M we had lunch in a pub and everyone commented on how beautiful and aware she was.
I'm still losing weight "Huzzah!" cry the Ladies of Manchesterford. I'd rather do it in a planned diet sort of way but hey! I guess too much Vodka and puking up after every meal is a better way than most to lose weight, just ask Karen Carpenter!
Sunderland AFC will be Champions if we beat West Ham tonight. It would be nice to do it on the tele but I'd prefer us to do it at home next week (when I'm there!)
FTM!
It's been a strange week. I saw my daughters, I've been ill (again!) and had a blow out on the A19 whilst doing 70mph in the outside lane!.....I survived!
I went to my eldest daughter A's parents evening isn't it remarkable how young the teachers look? They weren't like that in my day I can tell you.She's done very well this year I'm not going to bore you with the details like those deranged people who send Christmas messages full of dull information on how their year has gone and how little Johnny is on target to be a Brain Surgeon/Astronaut! She's done better than she did last year and she's on track to beat the targets set for her at the beginning of the school year. I had a lovely afternoon with M we had lunch in a pub and everyone commented on how beautiful and aware she was.
I'm still losing weight "Huzzah!" cry the Ladies of Manchesterford. I'd rather do it in a planned diet sort of way but hey! I guess too much Vodka and puking up after every meal is a better way than most to lose weight, just ask Karen Carpenter!
Sunderland AFC will be Champions if we beat West Ham tonight. It would be nice to do it on the tele but I'd prefer us to do it at home next week (when I'm there!)
FTM!
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Tuesday 26 April 2005
For Gill:
Phew! it's been over a month since I posted, there are lots of good reasons and excuses but mostly it's been the fact that I haven't had computer access....honest Guv!
So what's been happening in my world?
My beloved Sunderland AFC were promoted at the weekend, we've taken our rightful place in The Premiership. I listened to the final minutes of the game against Leicester in a pub car park in Webridge, Surrey! I couldn't possibly go into the pub not knowing the result, when the scores from the Sunderland and Ipswich games filtered through I must have looked a right ninny dancing up and down in the car. The pub was far from the stereotypical Southern venue and as they were watching Sky Sports and it became obvious that I was a Mackem I was congratulated, offered a drink and shared a toast with a woman who drank dark Rum at 5 o'clock in the afternoon, class bird!
The Pope died and I was genuinely upset, whilst not always agreeing on some of his conservative views I did think he was a man of the people. Not sure about the new guy though. I did like the headline in The Sun the following day.." Papa Ratzi" top stuff!
I had a birthday, it was fun and I got drunk.
I've done some smashing gigs, some weird ones, oh and died on my arse like never before in my home town of all places!
I have a couple of new agents based in Nottingham they're lovely lads and they're getting me plenty of work. They are not quality gigs but they are plentiful and I'm grateful for them. However it did throw up a problem a few weeks ago as I was booked to do a show in the heart of what used to be the North Notts coalfields. When I'm in these areas I develop "Scab Tourettes" I know the last great struggle was in 1983/4 but my memory goes back even further to the "Spencerist" scabs of the 20's and 30's. Nottinghamshire Miners have always scabbed, taking he benefits of a strong union but when it came to helping out their comrades they stabbed them in the back. OK, I'm there to do comedy but I just want to shout cheer up you scabby twats! I've come up with an ingenious solution. I've written a five minute routine about my Psoriasis and can manage to shoehorn the word "scabs" into that routine at least 8 times without them realising it! It doesn't exactly make up for Orgreave or the countless communities that have suffered over the past twenty years but it fucking well made Roughy happy!
The gigs have been so diverse recently, I've done two in a boxing ring, countless sporting dinners, pubs, etc and some fantatstic venues. One at York Racecourse, a great room, great food and waitresses bussed in from Middlesbrough..they can't get the staff in York! I also did the aformentioned show in Weybridge, Surrey. It was at a hotel, part of which was Henry VIII's second home. The gig was for "The Surrey Master Bakers Annual Dinner Dance" It was a very posh do, I had my own toast master in a red coat and everything. The audience were easily shocked so I did a very clean 25 minutes drew a lovely round of applause and got the fuck out of there.
I am storming gigs at the moment. My style is becoming much more changeable and I'm more flexible about giving the audience what they want. In the old days I was of the school of thought that if they didn't like me then tough! A stupid attitude that I regret having now.
So to my very public death in County Durham. I was excited about the gig. Firstly it was in my home town, secondly it was at one of my favourite venues, somewhere I've done really well at in the past. The gig was for The North East Chamber Of Commerce, it was the usual dinner, speakers then me night. Everything looked fine until I walked on to be greeted by a bemused audience who thought I was from a different planet. They were an awful crowd, I was an awful comic, a lethal combination. The woman who booked me Wendy Reaney was mouthing at me to get off withing two minutes of me starting. Someone shouted out that I was crap and I couldn't tell gags. So I thanked them politely and walked. The Lady organiser, Wendy Reaney refused to pay me the not inconsiderable fee due, despite me doing everything I was contactually obliged to do. Conversations went on between my agent and us at the venue. In the end I left and was very tactful. Wendy Reaney rang the agent concerned (a cracking company who have done everything to help in this awful situation) In the end I agreed to take a smaller fee, though that went against everything that my union Equity would advise. This was six weeks ago. Wendy Reaney and The North East Chamber of Commerce have thus far failed to pay what is due to me. I'll keep you and my union's solicitors informed.
To finish on a high note.The demise of Newcastle United over the past couple of months has been rather worrying hasn't it? Back of the net!
FTM!
Phew! it's been over a month since I posted, there are lots of good reasons and excuses but mostly it's been the fact that I haven't had computer access....honest Guv!
So what's been happening in my world?
My beloved Sunderland AFC were promoted at the weekend, we've taken our rightful place in The Premiership. I listened to the final minutes of the game against Leicester in a pub car park in Webridge, Surrey! I couldn't possibly go into the pub not knowing the result, when the scores from the Sunderland and Ipswich games filtered through I must have looked a right ninny dancing up and down in the car. The pub was far from the stereotypical Southern venue and as they were watching Sky Sports and it became obvious that I was a Mackem I was congratulated, offered a drink and shared a toast with a woman who drank dark Rum at 5 o'clock in the afternoon, class bird!
The Pope died and I was genuinely upset, whilst not always agreeing on some of his conservative views I did think he was a man of the people. Not sure about the new guy though. I did like the headline in The Sun the following day.." Papa Ratzi" top stuff!
I had a birthday, it was fun and I got drunk.
I've done some smashing gigs, some weird ones, oh and died on my arse like never before in my home town of all places!
I have a couple of new agents based in Nottingham they're lovely lads and they're getting me plenty of work. They are not quality gigs but they are plentiful and I'm grateful for them. However it did throw up a problem a few weeks ago as I was booked to do a show in the heart of what used to be the North Notts coalfields. When I'm in these areas I develop "Scab Tourettes" I know the last great struggle was in 1983/4 but my memory goes back even further to the "Spencerist" scabs of the 20's and 30's. Nottinghamshire Miners have always scabbed, taking he benefits of a strong union but when it came to helping out their comrades they stabbed them in the back. OK, I'm there to do comedy but I just want to shout cheer up you scabby twats! I've come up with an ingenious solution. I've written a five minute routine about my Psoriasis and can manage to shoehorn the word "scabs" into that routine at least 8 times without them realising it! It doesn't exactly make up for Orgreave or the countless communities that have suffered over the past twenty years but it fucking well made Roughy happy!
The gigs have been so diverse recently, I've done two in a boxing ring, countless sporting dinners, pubs, etc and some fantatstic venues. One at York Racecourse, a great room, great food and waitresses bussed in from Middlesbrough..they can't get the staff in York! I also did the aformentioned show in Weybridge, Surrey. It was at a hotel, part of which was Henry VIII's second home. The gig was for "The Surrey Master Bakers Annual Dinner Dance" It was a very posh do, I had my own toast master in a red coat and everything. The audience were easily shocked so I did a very clean 25 minutes drew a lovely round of applause and got the fuck out of there.
I am storming gigs at the moment. My style is becoming much more changeable and I'm more flexible about giving the audience what they want. In the old days I was of the school of thought that if they didn't like me then tough! A stupid attitude that I regret having now.
So to my very public death in County Durham. I was excited about the gig. Firstly it was in my home town, secondly it was at one of my favourite venues, somewhere I've done really well at in the past. The gig was for The North East Chamber Of Commerce, it was the usual dinner, speakers then me night. Everything looked fine until I walked on to be greeted by a bemused audience who thought I was from a different planet. They were an awful crowd, I was an awful comic, a lethal combination. The woman who booked me Wendy Reaney was mouthing at me to get off withing two minutes of me starting. Someone shouted out that I was crap and I couldn't tell gags. So I thanked them politely and walked. The Lady organiser, Wendy Reaney refused to pay me the not inconsiderable fee due, despite me doing everything I was contactually obliged to do. Conversations went on between my agent and us at the venue. In the end I left and was very tactful. Wendy Reaney rang the agent concerned (a cracking company who have done everything to help in this awful situation) In the end I agreed to take a smaller fee, though that went against everything that my union Equity would advise. This was six weeks ago. Wendy Reaney and The North East Chamber of Commerce have thus far failed to pay what is due to me. I'll keep you and my union's solicitors informed.
To finish on a high note.The demise of Newcastle United over the past couple of months has been rather worrying hasn't it? Back of the net!
FTM!
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Thursday 10 March 2005
As I was saying earlier in the week, I've finally moved into my new flat/apartment in Tyldesley. The flat is fantastic, a new purpose built block full of lads toys and gadgets! The area it's in is nothing to write home about. Tyldesley is actually smaller than Leigh but it has a better choice of shops, a cracking cafe and a couple of decent pubs! Unfortunately the Chinese takeaway I had was minging!
It seems very strange living alone. I like it, don't get me wrong and I suppose the novelty of not shaving and walking around in my underpants will wear off! I haven't met any of the neighbours, don't know when the bins are emptied and I can't get the dryer on my washing machine to work for love nor money. However I have cooked a couple of meals, had Sky plumbed in, put some shelves and pictures up and did some washing...I'm turning into my Dad!
There have been a couple of strange gigs recently one in particular was for twenty people in Yorkshire. The deal was was that the company were treating some key employees to a slap up meal in a posh hotel and thought that an entertainer would round off the night well, cue Roughy! It was a nice experience and having cut my teeth in some of the worse comedy clubs in the UK I was well prepared for playing in front of such a small gathering.......they liked me anyway! I also did a fantastic rugby Club on the Welsh border. On booking into my B&B I noticed in the local paper that my colleague SD was playing the Assembly Rooms in the same town that added to his recent appearance in "The Stage" he is quickly gaining a reputation as one of the country's up and coming stars and rightly so! The B&B was in itself something to tell you about, run by a Crippen lookalike from Birmingham, he showed me in to the bar that was (back of the net) self service with an honest box!, me? Roughy? with my reputation?. I dutifully took advantage and never even thought to refill his Vodka bottle with water. The bedroom was the smallest on the planet, but was warm,clean and (un)comfortable. For people who think working a stag night equals a sex festival (copyright Alan Partridge) then you should have checked out the proportions of this particular bed! The gig itself was fantastic and full of suprises, the strippers turned up late but that wasn't a problem as they'd kept me informed of their progress. I knew they were going to be a nice audience when the assorted Rugby lads offered to carry my gear in while I had a fag and a pint! They were well behaved, the strippers weren't, I was fantastic and the B&B bar was drunk dry!
I spent some of last weekend with my daughters A and M. A has her head full of musicals and Marilyn Monroe and M is just the sweetest funniest little thing, showing a remarkable vocabulary and a keen interest in everything that goes on around her..her mother's daughter then!
Just a quick note on the exploits of my beloved Sunderland AFC. Things are hotting up in The Championship, as you'll know we've gone joint top. We were briefly top after an easy win against the clog sparking Burnley. It really is between us, Wigan and Ipswich. My preference? SAFC top, Ipswich second and Derby County via the play offs.
FTM!
It seems very strange living alone. I like it, don't get me wrong and I suppose the novelty of not shaving and walking around in my underpants will wear off! I haven't met any of the neighbours, don't know when the bins are emptied and I can't get the dryer on my washing machine to work for love nor money. However I have cooked a couple of meals, had Sky plumbed in, put some shelves and pictures up and did some washing...I'm turning into my Dad!
There have been a couple of strange gigs recently one in particular was for twenty people in Yorkshire. The deal was was that the company were treating some key employees to a slap up meal in a posh hotel and thought that an entertainer would round off the night well, cue Roughy! It was a nice experience and having cut my teeth in some of the worse comedy clubs in the UK I was well prepared for playing in front of such a small gathering.......they liked me anyway! I also did a fantastic rugby Club on the Welsh border. On booking into my B&B I noticed in the local paper that my colleague SD was playing the Assembly Rooms in the same town that added to his recent appearance in "The Stage" he is quickly gaining a reputation as one of the country's up and coming stars and rightly so! The B&B was in itself something to tell you about, run by a Crippen lookalike from Birmingham, he showed me in to the bar that was (back of the net) self service with an honest box!, me? Roughy? with my reputation?. I dutifully took advantage and never even thought to refill his Vodka bottle with water. The bedroom was the smallest on the planet, but was warm,clean and (un)comfortable. For people who think working a stag night equals a sex festival (copyright Alan Partridge) then you should have checked out the proportions of this particular bed! The gig itself was fantastic and full of suprises, the strippers turned up late but that wasn't a problem as they'd kept me informed of their progress. I knew they were going to be a nice audience when the assorted Rugby lads offered to carry my gear in while I had a fag and a pint! They were well behaved, the strippers weren't, I was fantastic and the B&B bar was drunk dry!
I spent some of last weekend with my daughters A and M. A has her head full of musicals and Marilyn Monroe and M is just the sweetest funniest little thing, showing a remarkable vocabulary and a keen interest in everything that goes on around her..her mother's daughter then!
Just a quick note on the exploits of my beloved Sunderland AFC. Things are hotting up in The Championship, as you'll know we've gone joint top. We were briefly top after an easy win against the clog sparking Burnley. It really is between us, Wigan and Ipswich. My preference? SAFC top, Ipswich second and Derby County via the play offs.
FTM!
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Tuesday 8 March 2005
To begin with I'd like to apologise for the lack of updates recently. A lot has been happening and I just haven't had the time.
I finally moved house last week and have spent the last couple of weeks trawling around shops I would never normally be seen dead in.
So as from tomorrow I'll be updating more regularly.
FTM!
I finally moved house last week and have spent the last couple of weeks trawling around shops I would never normally be seen dead in.
So as from tomorrow I'll be updating more regularly.
FTM!
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Wednesday 23 February 2005
I've just spent a convivial couple of hours with a friend and colleague of mine. He is a comedian and dabbles in the comedy circuit where he is very successful and the mainstream circuit where he is just making his way and is building up a nice reputation. He is one of the nice guys in the business, there aren't that many to be honest. Of course there are people I get on with and people I trust but not that many nice people. BW and I are planning a small theatre tour for early Summer. That may sound grandiose but we reckon if we take a small ensemble with us and present a night of good stand up then the locals will turn up.
The weather here in the North West is awful but not as bad as in the North East. A colleague of mine should have been in Whitby tonight but was snowed in! This has got me worrying as I'm in Shropshire at the weekend and my ahem.......erotic dancers are coming from Leeds. I don't quite fancy facing 400 lads at a Rugby Union stag do with no strippers...fingers crossed ey?
That was a fantastic result for SAFC last night, after Saturday's slip up against Brighton we are hanging on in there.
FTM!
The weather here in the North West is awful but not as bad as in the North East. A colleague of mine should have been in Whitby tonight but was snowed in! This has got me worrying as I'm in Shropshire at the weekend and my ahem.......erotic dancers are coming from Leeds. I don't quite fancy facing 400 lads at a Rugby Union stag do with no strippers...fingers crossed ey?
That was a fantastic result for SAFC last night, after Saturday's slip up against Brighton we are hanging on in there.
FTM!
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Thursday 17 February 2005
I've been asked quite a lot about corporate gigs. Comics on both side of the comedy divide do these shows, whether it's a private do in front of a load of suits or a company has hired a "comedy club" to entertain it's execs. This is becoming more and more fashionable, presumably because the cost of insuring paint balling and the like has gone through the roof. I spent a lot of my "real" working life running conferences for people in business who were training in the art of staff development. They were in short, bun fights. Suits away from their spouses in a decent hotel with an all night bar. In fact I honed my comedy (ahem) skills trying to train a load of hungover "Managers" at 9.00am after they (and often, it has to be said, me) had been on the lash to the early hours of the morning. The corporate gigs can be fun, they can also be a massive pain in the arse. Trying to entertain a lot of drunken disinterested people who are ultimately paying you can be disheartening. However, they do pay very well and as they are never on the listings, some comics who look down their nose at me and the mainstream circuit do very well out of these shows without the discerning punters, or fellow comics knowing that they're even doing them!
FTM!
FTM!
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Monday 15 February 2005
I had a pretty sad experience at the weekend. I was working with an ex: England international footballer who is starting to show real signs of Alzheimers. He seemed a shadow of his former self. At one point in the evening he was convinced that I was Kevin Connelly the sports impressionist. I do bear a passing resemblance to Kev but despite me insisting I wasn't him he called me Kevin all night. He also repeated his storied a few times as the evening progressed. I could see the lads in the audience were sad to see such a shining light struggling like that.
I also did a boxing do in Yorkshire were the audience were shocked when I swore, that was a first! Swearing as part of my act was a lot less rude than talking all the way through my set! That really gets my goat, I don't want to come across all Alan Partridge here, but some people!!!
FTM!
I also did a boxing do in Yorkshire were the audience were shocked when I swore, that was a first! Swearing as part of my act was a lot less rude than talking all the way through my set! That really gets my goat, I don't want to come across all Alan Partridge here, but some people!!!
FTM!
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Thursday 10 February 2005
It's been commented on by some kind souls that I haven't updated my Blog for a while, it's nice that you're all reading!
As I said earlier it's been a strange couple of weeks, not all of it good. I've been on the road constantly and God! Have I seen some awful pub grub and even worse B&B's!
There have been notable moments more of those at a later date.
My youngest daughter M. Has had a new plaster cast fitted. It has been commented on (and not published, I'll gladly publish comments that have a real name attached!) that I don't see enough of my daughters to mention them in this blog. Bollocks, despite K and I having our differences (and they are mainly down to me!) that is our business. I've agreed not to mention those differences on here..Just leave us to it ey? I did what all Fathers should, and bought M her first bike last week. No-one told me that it came in a flat pack! In the words of the legendary Bobby Thompson "Why, I'm no engineer!" So I had an embarrassing 15 minutes while K. Put it together! M. Loved it and seemingly had her dinner and tea sitting on it!
A. Has been to another audition today. She seems really into this acting thing and while her Mum may think it's a phase, I actually think she's very committed to it. It's so refreshing to be with my teenage daughter whilst she discusses the relative merits of "Waiting for Godot"!
I watched my colleague JJS on "Wife Swap" I thought she came out of it remarkably well. I don't think she'll have appreciated being described as "someone who does a bit of stand up at her local comedy club" But I'm sure that and the follow up TV appearances will do her career no harm at all.
I've had some lovely gigs recently. Most notably in Coxhoe (my adopted SAFC supporters branch) it was their Chairman's 50th birthday. Despite him shiting himself due to the fact that I turned up at the ridiculously late hour of two minutes to eight! The venue was packed out and that's testament to his popularity. I only did a short set but it was received warmly, despite my misgivings about home town gigs. It was nice to catch up with friends and have a bit of craic.
I also did a lovely little comedy club in Stockton on Tees. www.funnymagnet.co.uk is run by a top geezer who has got a great room there, check it out if you're ever up north.
I'm sorry there's so little detail here.I've discovered if this is not done regularly then the small details tend to get lost in the midst of Vodka. For all the people who have been worrying, there is no need. I haven't been wasting my talent and cash, I haven't been in seedy hotels with hookers blowing coke up my arse. Things are better on the home front, I'm moving house soon to a different part of Lancashire and with a bit of luck things can be done with the minimum of fuss and then we can start maybe rebuilding.
I promise to keep my Blog up to date!
FTM!
As I said earlier it's been a strange couple of weeks, not all of it good. I've been on the road constantly and God! Have I seen some awful pub grub and even worse B&B's!
There have been notable moments more of those at a later date.
My youngest daughter M. Has had a new plaster cast fitted. It has been commented on (and not published, I'll gladly publish comments that have a real name attached!) that I don't see enough of my daughters to mention them in this blog. Bollocks, despite K and I having our differences (and they are mainly down to me!) that is our business. I've agreed not to mention those differences on here..Just leave us to it ey? I did what all Fathers should, and bought M her first bike last week. No-one told me that it came in a flat pack! In the words of the legendary Bobby Thompson "Why, I'm no engineer!" So I had an embarrassing 15 minutes while K. Put it together! M. Loved it and seemingly had her dinner and tea sitting on it!
A. Has been to another audition today. She seems really into this acting thing and while her Mum may think it's a phase, I actually think she's very committed to it. It's so refreshing to be with my teenage daughter whilst she discusses the relative merits of "Waiting for Godot"!
I watched my colleague JJS on "Wife Swap" I thought she came out of it remarkably well. I don't think she'll have appreciated being described as "someone who does a bit of stand up at her local comedy club" But I'm sure that and the follow up TV appearances will do her career no harm at all.
I've had some lovely gigs recently. Most notably in Coxhoe (my adopted SAFC supporters branch) it was their Chairman's 50th birthday. Despite him shiting himself due to the fact that I turned up at the ridiculously late hour of two minutes to eight! The venue was packed out and that's testament to his popularity. I only did a short set but it was received warmly, despite my misgivings about home town gigs. It was nice to catch up with friends and have a bit of craic.
I also did a lovely little comedy club in Stockton on Tees. www.funnymagnet.co.uk is run by a top geezer who has got a great room there, check it out if you're ever up north.
I'm sorry there's so little detail here.I've discovered if this is not done regularly then the small details tend to get lost in the midst of Vodka. For all the people who have been worrying, there is no need. I haven't been wasting my talent and cash, I haven't been in seedy hotels with hookers blowing coke up my arse. Things are better on the home front, I'm moving house soon to a different part of Lancashire and with a bit of luck things can be done with the minimum of fuss and then we can start maybe rebuilding.
I promise to keep my Blog up to date!
FTM!
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Wednesday 2 February 2005
Jesus what a time of I've had since last we blogged!
The gig in Warrington with Ronnie Whelan was excellent, the room was packed with good natured lads up for a good night. The Compere did a sterling job as the sound system was antiquated. He also raise a lot of money for the lads footy teams with auctions and bingo etc. Ronnie was in fine form, since working with him last year his act is now honed to perfection. Some lovely funny stories and memories of his fantastic career. Definitely one to book if you're a football fan. I did ok, I've had better gigs. Maybe I was looking forward to it just that little bit too much and my own expectations were too high. However the crowd seemed to really enjoy it.
The previous night I'd been in Halifax where once again the turn out wasn't brilliant but we had a good night and it was an opportunity to try out some new material.
The rest of the week? I can't even begin to talk about it, so I'll not, for the moment.
I'm in the north east (hopefully) this weekend I'm looking forward to it.
The gig in Warrington with Ronnie Whelan was excellent, the room was packed with good natured lads up for a good night. The Compere did a sterling job as the sound system was antiquated. He also raise a lot of money for the lads footy teams with auctions and bingo etc. Ronnie was in fine form, since working with him last year his act is now honed to perfection. Some lovely funny stories and memories of his fantastic career. Definitely one to book if you're a football fan. I did ok, I've had better gigs. Maybe I was looking forward to it just that little bit too much and my own expectations were too high. However the crowd seemed to really enjoy it.
The previous night I'd been in Halifax where once again the turn out wasn't brilliant but we had a good night and it was an opportunity to try out some new material.
The rest of the week? I can't even begin to talk about it, so I'll not, for the moment.
I'm in the north east (hopefully) this weekend I'm looking forward to it.
Thursday, January 27, 2005
Thursday 27 January 2005
I've given up enjoying "Wife Swap" on Channel 4 now. It's turned into a cliche where all working class people are depicted as lazy, dirty Chavs and their middle class counter parts as control freaks. I'll let you into a secret, I almost did this series of Wife Swap! It was a very close thing and I thought it may have been a good career move. However I don't think we were wacky enough. Neither working class or middle class, not too many bad habits and anyway who would want to watch me asleep every afternoon? The gig went to a colleague of mine, her episode is going out next week and I'm looking forward to that. As well as being a very talented comic her domestic circumstances are, how shall I put it...unusual! You'll have to wait and see but she must have been a researchers dream.
Had my car serviced today, cost a fortune but it's going to have to last me a little longer yet. I love my car, she's never let me down but bits are starting to fall off. I'm also going to get it valeted because it's filthy and I'm ashamed when I see her parked up.
I've just taken a phone call from Ronnie Whelan! I'm 40 and still get giddy when footballing legends ring up and say "Roughy, it's Ronnie, how you doing?" Confession, sometimes I don't answer the phone so they have to leave a voice mail so I can play it to my mates! How sad is that?
Hair cut, sun bed, breakfast at Sainsbury's, maybe a snooze then a nice little gig in Yorkshire tonight.
FTM!
Had my car serviced today, cost a fortune but it's going to have to last me a little longer yet. I love my car, she's never let me down but bits are starting to fall off. I'm also going to get it valeted because it's filthy and I'm ashamed when I see her parked up.
I've just taken a phone call from Ronnie Whelan! I'm 40 and still get giddy when footballing legends ring up and say "Roughy, it's Ronnie, how you doing?" Confession, sometimes I don't answer the phone so they have to leave a voice mail so I can play it to my mates! How sad is that?
Hair cut, sun bed, breakfast at Sainsbury's, maybe a snooze then a nice little gig in Yorkshire tonight.
FTM!
Wednesday 26 January 2005
January is a funny month in this business, there seems to be a real hangover from Christmas. My agents hardly ever ring with bookings. It happens every year and every year I start to think that my time is up, I'll never get a booking again. They do ring of course and I try not to sound too pleased to hear from them. I even had to turn down dates today as I was already booked...Business as usual!
As you'll know I went to a great comedy club in Manchesterford. Y and I enjoyed ourselves and some much needed talking was done. However I was conscious that someone I used to be very close to was performing and I wondered how we would react on seeing each other. It was polite and friendly, then I realised why I'd missed him so much, he's funny as fuck! Take the following exchange:
Female punter " That's a lovely shirt, where did you get it?"
AJB "My sister knitted it"
Punter "Oh can she knit me one too"
AJB "No, she died!"
A great way to deal with an annoying punter and made me laugh like a schoolboy!
FTM!
As you'll know I went to a great comedy club in Manchesterford. Y and I enjoyed ourselves and some much needed talking was done. However I was conscious that someone I used to be very close to was performing and I wondered how we would react on seeing each other. It was polite and friendly, then I realised why I'd missed him so much, he's funny as fuck! Take the following exchange:
Female punter " That's a lovely shirt, where did you get it?"
AJB "My sister knitted it"
Punter "Oh can she knit me one too"
AJB "No, she died!"
A great way to deal with an annoying punter and made me laugh like a schoolboy!
FTM!
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Tuesday 25 January 2004
Being a full time Comedian sounds interesting to most people, it can be but not all of the time.
My day is taken up with: Waking, washing, going into town, eating, surfing the record shops, clothes shops and second hand stores. The afternoon is generally the same, go on the net look at my favourite sites, Google myself to see what people are saying about me (yeah I know Abs, I I'm sad!).Then maybe sleep before either 1. Travel to work 2. Watch some television. Sometimes I'll do some admin, catch with some mates but not often. Some comics have full time jobs, I could never do that. I realised very early on that I couldn't concentrate on my work, all I thought about was the gig on that particular night. These days I often don't give the gig much thought. I tend to look forward to the ones of interest, where I'm working with people I like or if I'm going to a venue I like. I've got a couple of those in the next couple of weeks. One is a birthday party in one of my favourite parts of the world. OK I'm working but I'll be able to catch up with some people I don't see enough of.
Tonight is a treat, I'm going to watch comedy! Y and I are going to see three of my favourite comics. One of the lads is someone I started my career out with. He's done really well and I'm pleased to see him headlining some big gigs, it's maybe a pity that we can't share the relative successes we've had over a convivial pint. Such is life and the vagaries of friendship.
It's FA Cup weekend soon, Sunderland play Everton. My good friend and top comic BW is a Toffeeman. I'm not sure that there isn't a side bet on the result but there possibly should be!
On a totally different subject, it's great news to read of Michael Howard's party finally playing the race card and are going to demand immigrant quotas when they get in to power (stop sniggering at the back there!). The reason I think that it's good news is back in 1979 when Thatcher took the party to the right with comments like her famous "Swamped by an alien culture" it spelled the death knell for the odious NF as the Tories natural racists flocked back to their party. I'm hoping that will be the case for UKIP and the BNP. At least we know what the Tories are about, none of this wolf in sheep's clothing, "We are a legitimate party we wear suits" bollocks" that the BNP have been spouting for the past few years.
God bless Craig Bell(end)amy by the way
FTM!
My day is taken up with: Waking, washing, going into town, eating, surfing the record shops, clothes shops and second hand stores. The afternoon is generally the same, go on the net look at my favourite sites, Google myself to see what people are saying about me (yeah I know Abs, I I'm sad!).Then maybe sleep before either 1. Travel to work 2. Watch some television. Sometimes I'll do some admin, catch with some mates but not often. Some comics have full time jobs, I could never do that. I realised very early on that I couldn't concentrate on my work, all I thought about was the gig on that particular night. These days I often don't give the gig much thought. I tend to look forward to the ones of interest, where I'm working with people I like or if I'm going to a venue I like. I've got a couple of those in the next couple of weeks. One is a birthday party in one of my favourite parts of the world. OK I'm working but I'll be able to catch up with some people I don't see enough of.
Tonight is a treat, I'm going to watch comedy! Y and I are going to see three of my favourite comics. One of the lads is someone I started my career out with. He's done really well and I'm pleased to see him headlining some big gigs, it's maybe a pity that we can't share the relative successes we've had over a convivial pint. Such is life and the vagaries of friendship.
It's FA Cup weekend soon, Sunderland play Everton. My good friend and top comic BW is a Toffeeman. I'm not sure that there isn't a side bet on the result but there possibly should be!
On a totally different subject, it's great news to read of Michael Howard's party finally playing the race card and are going to demand immigrant quotas when they get in to power (stop sniggering at the back there!). The reason I think that it's good news is back in 1979 when Thatcher took the party to the right with comments like her famous "Swamped by an alien culture" it spelled the death knell for the odious NF as the Tories natural racists flocked back to their party. I'm hoping that will be the case for UKIP and the BNP. At least we know what the Tories are about, none of this wolf in sheep's clothing, "We are a legitimate party we wear suits" bollocks" that the BNP have been spouting for the past few years.
God bless Craig Bell(end)amy by the way
FTM!
Monday, January 24, 2005
Monday 24 January 2005
I had a unique experience at a gig the other night. I was in Durham City, a lovely gig in a venue that was having a late Christmas party for it's staff and loyal customers. Everything was going swimmingly, I was storming the gig in reasonably difficult circumstances (ie. they were all pissed and in fancy dress). 25 minutes in a massive fight breaks out right in front of the stage area. I stopped immediately, got the music back on and watched the fun. I thought that was me for the night, however the Landlady and most of the audience wanted me to go back on. Fucking hell how do I follow that? I did and the first few minutes was really tough, I got them back on track though and ended up doing one of the best gigs I've done for ages. It took me back to the early part of my mainstream career when I would do gigs in awful places for £150-£200 a time, the sights I saw...I had a knife pulled on me in Yorkshire, was threatened by a punter for asking him to move off the "stage" (actually it was the pool table area) and was chased to my car by people who thought I was funny but didn't like my shirt!
This week is dead exciting I've lot's of things lined up, some nice gigs and some stuff to work on. Later this week I've got a gig with my new friend Ronnie Whelan (ex: Liverpool FC legend ) more of that later.
Two thoughts: How come after a gig and my two pints of Shandy, I have the usual piss and within minutes of getting in the car I'm dying to go! and then within minutes of arriving home, I'm dying to go again!
I've never been a big fan of Matalan but their car parks are useful at times
This week is dead exciting I've lot's of things lined up, some nice gigs and some stuff to work on. Later this week I've got a gig with my new friend Ronnie Whelan (ex: Liverpool FC legend ) more of that later.
Two thoughts: How come after a gig and my two pints of Shandy, I have the usual piss and within minutes of getting in the car I'm dying to go! and then within minutes of arriving home, I'm dying to go again!
I've never been a big fan of Matalan but their car parks are useful at times
Saturday, January 22, 2005
Saturday 22 January 2005
I found today that my daughter M's operation failed. We haven't been given any reason why, but the consultant involved is flying to that London to get to the bottom of it.M's Mum trusts him 100%, that's enough for me! This little girl deserves more than our prayers and our love ,we just want to see see her run around like her friends.
Friday, January 21, 2005
Friday 21 January 2005
I suspect this is going to be badly spelled!
So my Blog this week?
I did find it fascinating that I was the inspiration behind a new Blogger. My favourite branch of the Sunderland Supporters Club, Coxhoe have recently introduced a blog to their normal web site stuff. This was attributed to me and my lil' diary. They can be found at www.safcsa-coxhoebranch.blogspot.com They have said nice things about me, yet that's not the reason they are mentioned! it's an organic thing this Blog stuff. I admit my friend AF's site had inspired me to write about my life in comedy, yet whilst the people closest to me piss themselves at AF's outpourings, mine don't even raise a giggle!
So....my jaunt, it's going to be brief, if you're waiting for hard core action and life- like sounds, then you're going to have to ring the number, wait to be put through and then they hang up on you! (and you never see the real stuff anyway!)
Tuesday 11 January 2005
Chased the storms up North. It's a lovely feeling, listening to Sally Traffic on Radio Two and all the bad weather is behind you (bit like the career really!) Arrived at my destination...a fucking Brewsters! I kid you not! Nice night though.
Wednesday 12 January 2005
I'd never eaten in an ASDA before, now I'm a committed Sainsbury's fan.... for food!
ASDA for cheap Trollies et al. But Sweet Baby Jesus! that food was horrific, dried up nonsense. And that was the best I was to get for what seemed like a fucking year!
Cafe Continental..you know who you are, on the sea front, looks like a fucking library! American Hot Dog with Chilli? Sorry?, it was more like "Iceland" "Lips and Arsehole" Jumbo type Sausage" with Chilli" When I said to the ..ahem.. "Waitress" that it wasn't in fact, an "American Hot Dog, avec Chilli" she said... "I know!"
luckily, this forward thinking establishment had left customer satisfaction notes on the table..I'm still writing the cunt, as we speak!!,........
I watch my favourite films at least once a month, sometimes one creeps up behind me and says "Fuck me, Roughy, you haven't seen me for a while!" But what and how, writes the song...says what's right or wrong?
Then...it was a bit of a blur!
I had the most amazing(post Bradford) curry I've ever had! It did things to my bottom that I've never experienced!
P.S. If you spell check SUNDERLAND on a Blogger spelcheck , it comes up with CINDERELLA!! Christ! if ever there was an apt title for us! : Two ugly sisters living next door; N**c***l* and Middlesbro'. Oh and also, you wanna try typing cunt!... it comes up as Shearer!
P.P.S
Don't write a Blog when you're half pissed!
FTM!
So my Blog this week?
I did find it fascinating that I was the inspiration behind a new Blogger. My favourite branch of the Sunderland Supporters Club, Coxhoe have recently introduced a blog to their normal web site stuff. This was attributed to me and my lil' diary. They can be found at www.safcsa-coxhoebranch.blogspot.com They have said nice things about me, yet that's not the reason they are mentioned! it's an organic thing this Blog stuff. I admit my friend AF's site had inspired me to write about my life in comedy, yet whilst the people closest to me piss themselves at AF's outpourings, mine don't even raise a giggle!
So....my jaunt, it's going to be brief, if you're waiting for hard core action and life- like sounds, then you're going to have to ring the number, wait to be put through and then they hang up on you! (and you never see the real stuff anyway!)
Tuesday 11 January 2005
Chased the storms up North. It's a lovely feeling, listening to Sally Traffic on Radio Two and all the bad weather is behind you (bit like the career really!) Arrived at my destination...a fucking Brewsters! I kid you not! Nice night though.
Wednesday 12 January 2005
I'd never eaten in an ASDA before, now I'm a committed Sainsbury's fan.... for food!
ASDA for cheap Trollies et al. But Sweet Baby Jesus! that food was horrific, dried up nonsense. And that was the best I was to get for what seemed like a fucking year!
Cafe Continental..you know who you are, on the sea front, looks like a fucking library! American Hot Dog with Chilli? Sorry?, it was more like "Iceland" "Lips and Arsehole" Jumbo type Sausage" with Chilli" When I said to the ..ahem.. "Waitress" that it wasn't in fact, an "American Hot Dog, avec Chilli" she said... "I know!"
luckily, this forward thinking establishment had left customer satisfaction notes on the table..I'm still writing the cunt, as we speak!!,........
I watch my favourite films at least once a month, sometimes one creeps up behind me and says "Fuck me, Roughy, you haven't seen me for a while!" But what and how, writes the song...says what's right or wrong?
Then...it was a bit of a blur!
I had the most amazing(post Bradford) curry I've ever had! It did things to my bottom that I've never experienced!
P.S. If you spell check SUNDERLAND on a Blogger spelcheck , it comes up with CINDERELLA!! Christ! if ever there was an apt title for us! : Two ugly sisters living next door; N**c***l* and Middlesbro'. Oh and also, you wanna try typing cunt!... it comes up as Shearer!
P.P.S
Don't write a Blog when you're half pissed!
FTM!
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Wednesday 19 January 2005
I've been on a jaunt, visited some lovely places, met some lovely people. For those of you who've text me to ask how I am, don't worry! I'm fine just had some time to get my head together.
To the most important person in my life.......do I really need counselling for sex addiction?
The roads in Scotland are bad, drive carefullly!
Tune in for details of my jaunt
FTM!
To the most important person in my life.......do I really need counselling for sex addiction?
The roads in Scotland are bad, drive carefullly!
Tune in for details of my jaunt
FTM!
Monday, January 10, 2005
Monday 10 January 2005
Career in crisis? I wouldn't go that far but it's been a difficult weekend.
Saturday, as you know I was "doubling up". I went to the last venue first, to check out the route and to sort out the sound etc. The place was in total darkness as there had been a power cut, this didn't augur well for the night ahead. I scooted off to Burnley to a lovely venue, The Inn on the Wharf, to do a wedding. I hate doing weddings, they're usually full of kids and relatives who've not seen each other in years. This was different. The couple had banned kids and they asked for my set to be "adult", whatever that means. It was a lovely little gig, I swore once, heard the sharp intake of breath from the oldies, so went on to do a nice gentle half hour, with some banter and audience participation. 25 minutes later I was in Clitheroe to do the second job. It was an annual bash for a load of building workers and their wives. The electricity was back on, they were all seated in anticipation I strode on stage confidently only to die on my big black arse! There are often reasons/excuses for dying (and it's only happened a handful of times to me) but those reasons/excuses don't come into play this time. They hated me, from their first look at me, they hated me! I don't know what it was but even the banker gags were falling flat. I had that familiar feeling of nausea, a dry mouth and I struggled with what to do next. I cut it short, said goodnight (to loud cheers and "get of man your crap!") and then had to find the MD of the company to ask for my fee. Surely the most humiliating part of the night! It certainly brought Mr. Ego down to earth.
I was up early on Sunday to travel to one of my favourite gigs. The Variety Club, Nottingham has the reputation of being a comedians graveyard. It's recently changed ownership and the crowds are only just starting to return. I died on my big black arse! They wouldn't listen, they talked continuously through my short spot. I walked off in disgust, was persuaded back on then walked off again! Some bright spark thought it funny to mention that £100 per minute isn't a bad wage.."then you fucking do it" was my less than gracious reply.
So am I losing it? I doubt it, maybe I've gone soft, preferring the cabaret setting to my bread and butter of the cut and thrust of pub gigs. I cut my teeth in front of rowdy audiences, I can handle them. Possibly I've moved onwards and upwards (that ego again), possibly it was just a couple of bad gigs. Unfortunately I've got a few days off when I really need to get back in the saddle (so to speak).
I am one of the best comics of my genre, I will bounce back..you just wait and see!
FTM!
Saturday, as you know I was "doubling up". I went to the last venue first, to check out the route and to sort out the sound etc. The place was in total darkness as there had been a power cut, this didn't augur well for the night ahead. I scooted off to Burnley to a lovely venue, The Inn on the Wharf, to do a wedding. I hate doing weddings, they're usually full of kids and relatives who've not seen each other in years. This was different. The couple had banned kids and they asked for my set to be "adult", whatever that means. It was a lovely little gig, I swore once, heard the sharp intake of breath from the oldies, so went on to do a nice gentle half hour, with some banter and audience participation. 25 minutes later I was in Clitheroe to do the second job. It was an annual bash for a load of building workers and their wives. The electricity was back on, they were all seated in anticipation I strode on stage confidently only to die on my big black arse! There are often reasons/excuses for dying (and it's only happened a handful of times to me) but those reasons/excuses don't come into play this time. They hated me, from their first look at me, they hated me! I don't know what it was but even the banker gags were falling flat. I had that familiar feeling of nausea, a dry mouth and I struggled with what to do next. I cut it short, said goodnight (to loud cheers and "get of man your crap!") and then had to find the MD of the company to ask for my fee. Surely the most humiliating part of the night! It certainly brought Mr. Ego down to earth.
I was up early on Sunday to travel to one of my favourite gigs. The Variety Club, Nottingham has the reputation of being a comedians graveyard. It's recently changed ownership and the crowds are only just starting to return. I died on my big black arse! They wouldn't listen, they talked continuously through my short spot. I walked off in disgust, was persuaded back on then walked off again! Some bright spark thought it funny to mention that £100 per minute isn't a bad wage.."then you fucking do it" was my less than gracious reply.
So am I losing it? I doubt it, maybe I've gone soft, preferring the cabaret setting to my bread and butter of the cut and thrust of pub gigs. I cut my teeth in front of rowdy audiences, I can handle them. Possibly I've moved onwards and upwards (that ego again), possibly it was just a couple of bad gigs. Unfortunately I've got a few days off when I really need to get back in the saddle (so to speak).
I am one of the best comics of my genre, I will bounce back..you just wait and see!
FTM!
Saturday, January 08, 2005
Saturday 8 January 2005
I heard a brilliant story last night. A celebrated Comedian/Promoter on the sunny South Coast was doing a lunchtime after- dinner thing when one of his punters nodded off. It wasn't until he'd finished his set that he was told that the old gadgee had passed away! Round Table and the likes often have these lunches and I've done my fair share of them, I've had people fall asleep but never one that's gone and died on me, something to tell the Grandkids that one.
It's FA Cup Third Round day today. This was always a great day in the footy calendar, however I fear, since Disney United chose to go to South America a few years ago instead of taking part in the best club cup competition in the world (c. John Motson) it's appeal has waned. We got to the semi final last season and it still stirs the heart, unfortunately us up against the terminally dull Crystal Palarse doesn't set my pulse racing.
I watched Dom Jolly's new version of "Trigger Happy TV" last night, it's got a new title and it's gone global but the premise is the same. I smiled a lot at the pranks he pulled but the best bit was the music he chooses to accompany his films. One song leapt out as a tune I'd not heard in years and is definitely in my top ten "The Unguarded Moment" by Australian band "The Church", a fine piece of Rickenbacker, jingle jangle, West Coast sound. It's been in my heed ever since, I must track it down.
FTM
It's FA Cup Third Round day today. This was always a great day in the footy calendar, however I fear, since Disney United chose to go to South America a few years ago instead of taking part in the best club cup competition in the world (c. John Motson) it's appeal has waned. We got to the semi final last season and it still stirs the heart, unfortunately us up against the terminally dull Crystal Palarse doesn't set my pulse racing.
I watched Dom Jolly's new version of "Trigger Happy TV" last night, it's got a new title and it's gone global but the premise is the same. I smiled a lot at the pranks he pulled but the best bit was the music he chooses to accompany his films. One song leapt out as a tune I'd not heard in years and is definitely in my top ten "The Unguarded Moment" by Australian band "The Church", a fine piece of Rickenbacker, jingle jangle, West Coast sound. It's been in my heed ever since, I must track it down.
FTM
Friday 7 December 2005
It's been a strange day, despite having so much to do, plans to make etc. I've done very little apart from have a haircut and eat a bacon and sausage sarni!
The only excitement came half an hour ago when a voice mail message from a normally very reliable agent asking if I was still OK to do a wedding tomorrow in Burnley..ey? I'm already booked to do a post Christmas party for a load of hairy arsed builders in Clitheroe. Lot's of to-ing and fro-ing between me, the agents, clients and venues has resulted in me doubling up, something I hate doing. The agency concerned has had it's fair share of tragedy in the past months and there's obviously been a cock up in communication. But I'm not taking the blame. Let me re-assure you, every booking I take is entered into the diary by either myself or Y. In 7 years as a Professional Comedian I've never missed a booking or accidentally been double booked. So tomorrow will be a rush and I guess I'll not enjoy the gigs, but to be honest I'm not paid to enjoy them am I?
Come on Yeading!!
FTM!
The only excitement came half an hour ago when a voice mail message from a normally very reliable agent asking if I was still OK to do a wedding tomorrow in Burnley..ey? I'm already booked to do a post Christmas party for a load of hairy arsed builders in Clitheroe. Lot's of to-ing and fro-ing between me, the agents, clients and venues has resulted in me doubling up, something I hate doing. The agency concerned has had it's fair share of tragedy in the past months and there's obviously been a cock up in communication. But I'm not taking the blame. Let me re-assure you, every booking I take is entered into the diary by either myself or Y. In 7 years as a Professional Comedian I've never missed a booking or accidentally been double booked. So tomorrow will be a rush and I guess I'll not enjoy the gigs, but to be honest I'm not paid to enjoy them am I?
Come on Yeading!!
FTM!
Thursday, January 06, 2005
Thursday 6 January 2005
I suppose in the spirit of fairness and in the light of some of the feedback I got from yesterday's Blog, I should, perhaps say that the people in Leigh can be very friendly and....oh yeah the motorway links are good!
Some might say (c. Noel Gallagher) that the city I'm from isn't exactly a multi cultural metropolis. Some may even go further and say that they "don't get Sunderland" (c. Some soft southern puff!). My home town has it's faults, it's obvious that Thatcher ripped the heart and soul from the place in the mid to late 80's by putting over 30,000 people out of work. Yet, despite living in the shadow of it's much smaller neighbour N**c***le, wonders have been performed in re-igniting the spirit of the city and it's people. Granted I'd rather see men toiling where the marina now stands, however the centre has been transformed into a nice compact shopping village with two decent department stores and the world's largest Poundland (somewhere to get all those batteries for your gadgets and rust cleaner for when you've given up using the bicycle!). We also have a magnificent coastline, somewhere to chill, eat dreadful bacon sarni's and watch people have fun at the National Watersports Centre!We are rightfully proud of our beaches in County Durham, they are ours and whilst we do appreciate that the Northumberland coast is beautiful, it is, just that, the Northumberland coast. Last time I looked N**c***le didn't have one. The Empire Theatre is something else to be proud of, now with an extended stage we have the largest of all the north east regional theatres. The nicest new stadium in England, the most loyal set of fans, thankfully no equivalent to the notorious Pigg Market, the best social housing in the UK, thanks to a Labour Administration voted in every time since 1947. Oh and the greatest comedian of all time..Bobby Thompson.
Spent a convivial few hours in one of my favourite places last night. Yes, I was in Bradford (again, much maligned, wrongly in my opinion). I was in a lovely pub, high up on Baildon Moor. I wish all nights could be this friendly and easy.
I was back home in time to watch the previous night's "Shameless", classic writing and truly powerful performances. Paul Abbot has tapped into the Chav culture so accurately. I had the pleasure of meeting said Mr. Abbot and I have worked on one or two of his dramas. He is a class act.
Quote of the week:
Customer in pub
"Can you tell me what the Italian Steak is, exactly?"
Spotty teenage Waitress
"It's er....steak in, er...Italian Sauce"
Customer (OK then, it was me!!!)
"What's the Italian sauce like?"
Spotty, annoying as fuck, gum chewing Waitress
"It's got 'erbs and that in it"
And we fought for a minimum wage so twats like her could have money to save up for a double buggy and hair straighteners for little Courtney-Lee and Davina-Magenta!
Shameless indeed!
FTM!
Some might say (c. Noel Gallagher) that the city I'm from isn't exactly a multi cultural metropolis. Some may even go further and say that they "don't get Sunderland" (c. Some soft southern puff!). My home town has it's faults, it's obvious that Thatcher ripped the heart and soul from the place in the mid to late 80's by putting over 30,000 people out of work. Yet, despite living in the shadow of it's much smaller neighbour N**c***le, wonders have been performed in re-igniting the spirit of the city and it's people. Granted I'd rather see men toiling where the marina now stands, however the centre has been transformed into a nice compact shopping village with two decent department stores and the world's largest Poundland (somewhere to get all those batteries for your gadgets and rust cleaner for when you've given up using the bicycle!). We also have a magnificent coastline, somewhere to chill, eat dreadful bacon sarni's and watch people have fun at the National Watersports Centre!We are rightfully proud of our beaches in County Durham, they are ours and whilst we do appreciate that the Northumberland coast is beautiful, it is, just that, the Northumberland coast. Last time I looked N**c***le didn't have one. The Empire Theatre is something else to be proud of, now with an extended stage we have the largest of all the north east regional theatres. The nicest new stadium in England, the most loyal set of fans, thankfully no equivalent to the notorious Pigg Market, the best social housing in the UK, thanks to a Labour Administration voted in every time since 1947. Oh and the greatest comedian of all time..Bobby Thompson.
Spent a convivial few hours in one of my favourite places last night. Yes, I was in Bradford (again, much maligned, wrongly in my opinion). I was in a lovely pub, high up on Baildon Moor. I wish all nights could be this friendly and easy.
I was back home in time to watch the previous night's "Shameless", classic writing and truly powerful performances. Paul Abbot has tapped into the Chav culture so accurately. I had the pleasure of meeting said Mr. Abbot and I have worked on one or two of his dramas. He is a class act.
Quote of the week:
Customer in pub
"Can you tell me what the Italian Steak is, exactly?"
Spotty teenage Waitress
"It's er....steak in, er...Italian Sauce"
Customer (OK then, it was me!!!)
"What's the Italian sauce like?"
Spotty, annoying as fuck, gum chewing Waitress
"It's got 'erbs and that in it"
And we fought for a minimum wage so twats like her could have money to save up for a double buggy and hair straighteners for little Courtney-Lee and Davina-Magenta!
Shameless indeed!
FTM!
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Wednesday 5 January 2005
Still got a man cold!
spent the day frustratingly trying to sort out business matters, writing cheques for commission to agents, sending stuff and in one case resending stuff that was sent ages ago....then!
I made my way into this shit hole of a town that I live in. This is 2005 and the fucking shops close early on a Wednesday, the Printers, the Barbers, the Post Office even! Sorry Mr. 15% your cheque would've been in the post but my car got caught behind a hansom cab taking miners children to do a 16 hour day downt pit! This is a town without any rail links, a bus service that takes an hour and a quarter to get into Manchesterford 16 miles away! No department store (unless you count a giant "Wilkinsons"), four (count them!), four pund shops, seven charity shops on the main (and let's be honest, only) shopping parade, six pasty shops and four cafes, do these bastards ever cook? And you're never five minutes away from a nutter in Leigh, including the bizarre sight of a woman with a 1970's comb over a la Bobby Charlton! Leigh does have one grade 1 listed building, Avacab taxi rank, a fine example of 1930's deco. Unfortunately they cut it in half to make it into a taxi rank! We have newsagents that only sell two newspaper titles, and stock only 3 packets of cigarettes, not three brands, but three packets! In a local cafe recently, I asked for a clean ashtray and the spotty herbert serving responded with the classic line "We haven't got any clean ones!" I'm from a large city (yes it is a city you Black n White scumbags!) I've lived in large cities, that London, for one, Wakefield and Bradford and I've never encountered such wholly white, badly dressed, monocultural twats as the ones I see hanging around Leigh in the day time! The place really is twinned with Royston Vasey! I'll get into trouble for writing this.
So fuck!
FTM!
spent the day frustratingly trying to sort out business matters, writing cheques for commission to agents, sending stuff and in one case resending stuff that was sent ages ago....then!
I made my way into this shit hole of a town that I live in. This is 2005 and the fucking shops close early on a Wednesday, the Printers, the Barbers, the Post Office even! Sorry Mr. 15% your cheque would've been in the post but my car got caught behind a hansom cab taking miners children to do a 16 hour day downt pit! This is a town without any rail links, a bus service that takes an hour and a quarter to get into Manchesterford 16 miles away! No department store (unless you count a giant "Wilkinsons"), four (count them!), four pund shops, seven charity shops on the main (and let's be honest, only) shopping parade, six pasty shops and four cafes, do these bastards ever cook? And you're never five minutes away from a nutter in Leigh, including the bizarre sight of a woman with a 1970's comb over a la Bobby Charlton! Leigh does have one grade 1 listed building, Avacab taxi rank, a fine example of 1930's deco. Unfortunately they cut it in half to make it into a taxi rank! We have newsagents that only sell two newspaper titles, and stock only 3 packets of cigarettes, not three brands, but three packets! In a local cafe recently, I asked for a clean ashtray and the spotty herbert serving responded with the classic line "We haven't got any clean ones!" I'm from a large city (yes it is a city you Black n White scumbags!) I've lived in large cities, that London, for one, Wakefield and Bradford and I've never encountered such wholly white, badly dressed, monocultural twats as the ones I see hanging around Leigh in the day time! The place really is twinned with Royston Vasey! I'll get into trouble for writing this.
So fuck!
FTM!
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
Tuesday 4 January 2005
Mark Rough has a man cold! As a resullt of this and the fact that he has testicles he will be snuffling in bed all day!
Monday, January 03, 2005
Monday 3 January 2005
It sometimes feels strange writing this. I know that it's read by thousands of people and the advice I was given by a veteran blogger, was to write it as though no-one reads it. I find that difficult, I'm aware that people do read it, that's why names are very rarely mentioned, unless I have point to make or if it's important to the narrative. The point I'm making is that everything I write is true, sometimes the stories don't match the dates, sometimes I remember something that I didn't include and it then becomes part of that days diary!
Last night's gig was a strange one, I was in a small hotel/inn in Leicester standing in once again for a comic who has taken ill over Christmas. As this comic is a singer/comedian it's difficult for me to replace him as he does almost 90 minutes on stage. So last night, the agent had booked a jazz singer to help fill in. Not that he told me this, so as people were eating I humped my PA system in, only to have to dismantle it when fucking Ella Fitzgerald tuned up! The proprietor then insisted he wanted the singer to do her first spot at 10.15 , so it was well past 11pm when I eventually took to the stage. It was a good one. I've learned over the past year to pace my act to suit a quiet/older audience. I used to have the attitude that they would soon come around to my style, that was never really the case. So I tone down the Mackem Motormouth stuff. A lot of my colleagues in the industry would never recognise the Roughy that was on stage last night. It is working, the sort of jobs I'm now getting shows that the agents are beginning to trust me in a totally mainstream situation.
FTM!
Last night's gig was a strange one, I was in a small hotel/inn in Leicester standing in once again for a comic who has taken ill over Christmas. As this comic is a singer/comedian it's difficult for me to replace him as he does almost 90 minutes on stage. So last night, the agent had booked a jazz singer to help fill in. Not that he told me this, so as people were eating I humped my PA system in, only to have to dismantle it when fucking Ella Fitzgerald tuned up! The proprietor then insisted he wanted the singer to do her first spot at 10.15 , so it was well past 11pm when I eventually took to the stage. It was a good one. I've learned over the past year to pace my act to suit a quiet/older audience. I used to have the attitude that they would soon come around to my style, that was never really the case. So I tone down the Mackem Motormouth stuff. A lot of my colleagues in the industry would never recognise the Roughy that was on stage last night. It is working, the sort of jobs I'm now getting shows that the agents are beginning to trust me in a totally mainstream situation.
FTM!
Sunday, January 02, 2005
Sunday 2 January 2005
Picture the scene, I'm starving, I've have had an Indian restaurant/takeaway recommended highly to me. Having lived in Bradford for so long I can be very critical of Indian food. It' s just never up to Bradford's standards. It arrives, swimming in Ghee, the wrong starters, miniscule portions and very very expensive (you can still eat in a restaurant in Bradford for a fiver!) I ring said takeaway (Oh alright then it's The Blue Tiger, Chapel Street, Leigh!). They explain that they don't do Vegetable Paccora. (Ey? fry some fucking vegetables in batter! hey presto!) so they substitute it with Onion Bhaji. I demand a refund even though O. seems to be enjoying her girly Korma. I hotfoot it down there in a Roughy grump, planning my big speech in front of a packed restaurant. I don't even get the satisfaction of enjoying watching the owner squirm. The money (all of it) is handed over with the minimum of fuss (bastards!). Another takeaway is ordered this time from the Leigh Tandoori (Twist Lane, Leigh) They don't do Vegetable Pacorra either! I order Mushroom Bhaji's. Predictably it's shite, it goes into the bin and by now I'm in a frenzy, desperate for spicy food and everywhere is starting to close. A Chinese is ordered and shouty Roughy collects it and then I'm stopped by the police and breathalised! It got the all clear of course, but I almost get arrested for ranting to the coppers about what an absolute shithole Leigh is and that they can't do proper takeaway food, the pie and chips are crap and that you can't get Cod OR batter bits for love nor money. The Rozzer was sympathetic, him being from the cultural metropolis that is Wigan. He said he'd drop some takeaway flyers through the letter box..but how will I know it's him that's left them?
FTM!
FTM!
Saturday 1 January 2005
I shall never drink Vodka again!
I saw the new year in listening to "If you're Thinking Of Me" by Dodgy and "Motorcycle Emptiness" by The Manics, a typically upbeat time for Roughy then ey? I also watched the fireworks, thought of times past and the victims of the awful tragedy in the east. As I watched the stars I wondered if the sky was as clear in the (real) north east?
Vodka is an honesty drug to me, beyond the bluster and bullshit sometimes the truth, thankfully, emerges and though it's sometimes a relief, it doesn't half get me in bother!
So I watched my favourite film, got rat arsed and stumbled into bed at 8am!
FTM!
I saw the new year in listening to "If you're Thinking Of Me" by Dodgy and "Motorcycle Emptiness" by The Manics, a typically upbeat time for Roughy then ey? I also watched the fireworks, thought of times past and the victims of the awful tragedy in the east. As I watched the stars I wondered if the sky was as clear in the (real) north east?
Vodka is an honesty drug to me, beyond the bluster and bullshit sometimes the truth, thankfully, emerges and though it's sometimes a relief, it doesn't half get me in bother!
So I watched my favourite film, got rat arsed and stumbled into bed at 8am!
FTM!
Saturday, January 01, 2005
Friday 31 January 2005
My wishes for 2005.
That my daughter M. goes through the year with her usual humour and patience.
That daughter A. carries on enjoying drama classes and continues her excellent school work.
That peace descends on Leigh.
That Sunderland AFC retain their rightful place in the Premiership.
That my health holds up so my travels from Cornwall to Aberdeen and back can be done with the minimum of fuss and lots of laughs on the way.
Health and happiness to you all
FTM!
That my daughter M. goes through the year with her usual humour and patience.
That daughter A. carries on enjoying drama classes and continues her excellent school work.
That peace descends on Leigh.
That Sunderland AFC retain their rightful place in the Premiership.
That my health holds up so my travels from Cornwall to Aberdeen and back can be done with the minimum of fuss and lots of laughs on the way.
Health and happiness to you all
FTM!
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