This may be my last entry of the year.
I hope everyone had a nice Christmas. Mine? well let's just say Charlie Chaplin had a better one in 1977 than I had this year!
26 December 2004
Boxing day was a blast from the past. 43,224 at The Stadium of Light saw The Mighty Mackems capitulate to Dirty Leeds (again!) and after my gigs I found myself at a house party on the estate I was born on! PJ's sisters were little girls in nighties giggling on the stairs while we played Punk Rock at full blast last time I saw them. Now they're all grown up and have husbands and families of their own, God! it makes me feel old. A grand time was had and I related stories of our childhood suitably mixed with lies and exagerations..no change there then ey?
27 December 2004
My daughter M. went into hospital today for some more work on her hip. Seemingly it was a success, though she was upset that her plaster wasn't purple or yellow!
I had a lovely afternoon gig in County Durham where the audience on some hidden signa, all got out a North East buffet of epic proportions from their relative handbags and silver foil, so I pigged myself on ham and peas pudding sarni's with cheese and ham flan...Marvelous!
I then got soaked to the skin in Sunderland, as I grappled with the slippery conditions, I thought, this is heavenly and didn't want to be anywhere else in the world.
The evening was superb, I had an attentive audience and my Pro-plus inspired rantings seemed to do the job.
29 December 2004
I put oil in my car for the first time in my life! That makes me feel so inadequate, reading my favourite bloggers reports of him fixing everything mechanical and electrical he can get his hands on, as well as riding a bicycle, performing live and holding down a job it makes me realise that I'm less of a bloke than my image tries to portray! AF my hat goes off to you!
The gig tonight was awful, I guess that's why I'm mentioning it. Half the audience were in the venue after attending their Father's funeral! You couldn't fucking make it up!
So the year is finally coming to an end. It's been a mixed year. Probably my most successful in terms of breaking through into the mainstream comedy circuit, signing up to and getting good gigs from the country's largest agency for Comedians and selling out a couple of theatres. Personally it hasn't been too good, illness, family problems and distance have contributed to me turning into Victor Meldrew. As I'm writing this Y. is coughing her guts up and has a nasty chest infection, of course my sympathies go out to her. But what I'm really thinking is "fuck me, that's the last thing I want to catch!" And I guess that's what this year has made me, even more selfish, opinionated and narcissistic than ever. And I moan because I'm lonely! I really should say that my new year resolutions should include being more compassionate to those around me. That's my dichotomy, I care deeply about what's happening in the world, about social justice and inequality, yet I blithely go through life without a minutes thought for the people closest to me. Don't hold your breath!
FTM!
Friday, December 31, 2004
Saturday, December 25, 2004
Saturday 25 December 2004
Bah Humbug!
It just doesn't feel like Christmas, I'm sat at the laptop listening to Indie music on VH1.
I am going to go for a walk to throw the cobwebs off and to watch kids on their new bikes. It's not snowing here, unlike other parts of the country. I only remember it snowing a couple of times at Christmas. I remember one festive period, it was special because my Dad was home (that must've only happened a couple of times when I was growing up, he was in the Merchant Navy) he took me out in the snow on a home made sledge and we slid down the banks of the (just being constructed) A19. I got "Hot Wheels" that year for Christmas. I don't want to come across all Peter Kay here but the toys we got in the seventies were topper! I guess they weren't sophisticated like today (A. got a laptop and an Ipod!) and we really did get an apple and an orange in our stocking! along with Aztec Bars, Curly Wurley's ( when the chocolate used to crumble off them and Terry Scott advertised them dressed, alarmingly, as a schoolboy!). My brother used to have great fun smacking me over the head with his stocking as all the nuts were nestled at the bottom! Ok I will leave that sort of stuff to Peter Kay, he does it with more charm than I can muster.
I spoke to both of my girls today, M. as you can imagine was inundated with presents but had shown real restraint and had only opened two. A. was doing the usual teenage thing of not really being bothered about Christmas, yet even I could tell she was mightily impressed with her gifts.
Last nights gigs were..erm...wierd and non existent. The first was in Oldham ( I guess the alarm bells should have been ringing when I took the booking) in a Brewsters (I know! I know!). The audience were direct from the cast of Shameless! After five minutes of just trying to get them quiet and to listen to me the room eventually split into two halves, those that were interested in me and ones that weren't so I played to the horseshoe! and turned it around eventually. It wasn't pleasant but now and again I just take the money and run. It was unfortunate because the landlord had made a real effort for his locals, booking me and a disco. They couldn't even put clean shell suits on for the occasion! So it was off up the M61 to Preston to play a lounge in a nightclub. Two colleagues of mine had already done this gig in the last couple of weeks and enjoyed it. It's a new nightclub and the idea of having a lounge for live entertainment is a brave one. However not one person walked through the door, it was just me and the barman! So I'm going back there in January when the students are back (their target audience). A very polite young man paid me and I fucked off home. The M6 was quiet and I was settled in front of the television with a V&C by 12.15, fantastic!
The Smiths are on VH1, it's hardly festive but suits my mood perfectly!
Sunderland play dirty Leeds tomorrow and the crowd at The Stadium of Light should be one of the biggest in the country.
1973!
It just doesn't feel like Christmas, I'm sat at the laptop listening to Indie music on VH1.
I am going to go for a walk to throw the cobwebs off and to watch kids on their new bikes. It's not snowing here, unlike other parts of the country. I only remember it snowing a couple of times at Christmas. I remember one festive period, it was special because my Dad was home (that must've only happened a couple of times when I was growing up, he was in the Merchant Navy) he took me out in the snow on a home made sledge and we slid down the banks of the (just being constructed) A19. I got "Hot Wheels" that year for Christmas. I don't want to come across all Peter Kay here but the toys we got in the seventies were topper! I guess they weren't sophisticated like today (A. got a laptop and an Ipod!) and we really did get an apple and an orange in our stocking! along with Aztec Bars, Curly Wurley's ( when the chocolate used to crumble off them and Terry Scott advertised them dressed, alarmingly, as a schoolboy!). My brother used to have great fun smacking me over the head with his stocking as all the nuts were nestled at the bottom! Ok I will leave that sort of stuff to Peter Kay, he does it with more charm than I can muster.
I spoke to both of my girls today, M. as you can imagine was inundated with presents but had shown real restraint and had only opened two. A. was doing the usual teenage thing of not really being bothered about Christmas, yet even I could tell she was mightily impressed with her gifts.
Last nights gigs were..erm...wierd and non existent. The first was in Oldham ( I guess the alarm bells should have been ringing when I took the booking) in a Brewsters (I know! I know!). The audience were direct from the cast of Shameless! After five minutes of just trying to get them quiet and to listen to me the room eventually split into two halves, those that were interested in me and ones that weren't so I played to the horseshoe! and turned it around eventually. It wasn't pleasant but now and again I just take the money and run. It was unfortunate because the landlord had made a real effort for his locals, booking me and a disco. They couldn't even put clean shell suits on for the occasion! So it was off up the M61 to Preston to play a lounge in a nightclub. Two colleagues of mine had already done this gig in the last couple of weeks and enjoyed it. It's a new nightclub and the idea of having a lounge for live entertainment is a brave one. However not one person walked through the door, it was just me and the barman! So I'm going back there in January when the students are back (their target audience). A very polite young man paid me and I fucked off home. The M6 was quiet and I was settled in front of the television with a V&C by 12.15, fantastic!
The Smiths are on VH1, it's hardly festive but suits my mood perfectly!
Sunderland play dirty Leeds tomorrow and the crowd at The Stadium of Light should be one of the biggest in the country.
1973!
Friday, December 24, 2004
Friday 24 December 2004
Shit! It's Christmas Eve already! I like Christmas Eve, my Mum and Dad were married on this day I bet that was dead romantic at the time.
Well presents are bought, ready to be wrapped. Stuff delivered to the North East yesterday, cards posted, texts sent and emails written. Guess I can relax...but not today, there's more gigs to do!
Last night's gig in Durham was superb. It was at one of my favourite hotels, The Ramside Hall. As I arrived and had my pre-match pint I listened to the carol singers (dressed in Victorian garb) and watched couples eating and generally being merry. Of course the sense of loneliness descended on me in a matter of seconds, but I wasn't going to let that spoil my enjoyment of the surroundings and the lovely pint of Adnams ale. The gig was a small corporate do for an engineering company based in County Durham. The set up made it very easy as they were all sat around one big table. The guests consisted of management and their spouses including 5 guests from Japan (who incidentally spoke perfect English but did have a bit of difficulty understanding my Mackem accent!). An encore, a pint and then back down the A1, nothing to it really, but the sight and sounds of those people enjoying themselves in my home county stayed with me all the way home *sighs*
Merry Christmas to my fellow Bloggers (writers and readers) I hope Christmas brings all you wish for.
FTM!
Well presents are bought, ready to be wrapped. Stuff delivered to the North East yesterday, cards posted, texts sent and emails written. Guess I can relax...but not today, there's more gigs to do!
Last night's gig in Durham was superb. It was at one of my favourite hotels, The Ramside Hall. As I arrived and had my pre-match pint I listened to the carol singers (dressed in Victorian garb) and watched couples eating and generally being merry. Of course the sense of loneliness descended on me in a matter of seconds, but I wasn't going to let that spoil my enjoyment of the surroundings and the lovely pint of Adnams ale. The gig was a small corporate do for an engineering company based in County Durham. The set up made it very easy as they were all sat around one big table. The guests consisted of management and their spouses including 5 guests from Japan (who incidentally spoke perfect English but did have a bit of difficulty understanding my Mackem accent!). An encore, a pint and then back down the A1, nothing to it really, but the sight and sounds of those people enjoying themselves in my home county stayed with me all the way home *sighs*
Merry Christmas to my fellow Bloggers (writers and readers) I hope Christmas brings all you wish for.
FTM!
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Wednesday 22 December 2004
I'm a poorly soldier, literally shagged out! My throat is sore and my headaches. But that's life on the road for a working comedian at Christmas. Once again the build up to Yuletide has passed me by. I promised myself last year that I would enjoy the build up, as I was in Pantomime this time in 2003 I literally had no idea what day it was and was scrambling for wrapping paper in WH Smiths at five to four on Christmas Eve! Oh, I've seem the parties, witnessed the ladies puking over their carefully chosen outfits (courtesy of local designer Matt Alan of Warrington - Cheers Bill!), had to endure cigar toting executives spouting bigoted filth in the way of humour "Ey! ya can use that one son" where? at a fucking KKK gathering? I've also seen some marvelous food being consumed, generally whilst I'm sat in the corner drooling with a pint and a packet of salted peanuts! Note to party organisers, isn't it just good manners to offer me a drink and something to eat after my long journey?.
Anyway it's been a fantastic week some amazing gigs and against all the odds I've received some very favourable reactions.
The highlites have been:
A show for the North West branch of the Magicians Society. This was a lovely room in the Irish Cultural Centre, Manchester. (This was one gig where I didn't feel self conscious genuflecting before I hit the stage!). The night was an homage to the days of the Wheeltappers and Shunters, some delicious hotpot, a nice (older) audience made for a very pleasant evening. The gentleman organising it obviously went to a lot of trouble and he did a very good job too!
I had my own Christmas party in Chesterfield. The Ark Tavern has held many Mark Rough Comedy Roadshows, I have lots of friends there and the (new) Landlord and Landlady, Lucy and Jim done a great job of preserving the atmosphere fostered by the previous incumbents,(actually Lucy's Mam and Dad). I had a nice gig, was well prepared before I went on. The acts were superb including my friend and writer extraordinaire Crispin Fisher who cracked the best Yorkshire Ripper gag I've heard for ages. John Chambers certainly lived up to the build up I gave him and young upstart Owen Niblock (top comedy name) again showed why he is being talked up in the "industry." The headliner was none other than bizzaro, Freaks Outing. If anyone hasn't seen Freaks, then get along next time he's in your area. Filth, songs, suspenders and a Vicar's lament to a homosexual free Heaven is just a taste of what he's about. A class act. Oh and Y and I got drunk (ish). A lovely office party for the Roughmeister.
The day after was a strange one. Held in a community centre, I was expecting a scout hut. What I got was a beautiful purpose built community resource with a great bar and a fantastic hall with a massive stage and dressing rooms (more of which later!). The audience was slightly down on tickets actually sold but this gig was being held on the one day in the year when everyone gets arseholed after work or indeed in some cases actually at work! I had a great gig and a fantastic night. Funniest part of the evening was walking in on my host/ promoter ( I had no idea she was the closing act) and her colleague in the dressing room.Keeping eye contact with a half naked lady five inches smaller than me was difficult but it was either that or stare at her, not insignificant chest! The ladies in question were Ladiezinc a a sort of Blues Sisters, despite an awful sound they were very entertaining. All in all the best night so far in my Christmas tour!
Once again I found myself in a community centre, this time in the middle of scab country, North Nottingham in a pretty village with a lovely pub run by my friends Andy and Sue (of ex Ark Tavern fame) So I spent a convivial couple of hours before my show chatting and catching up. Again the venue was a fantastic council resource (see, that's the reward you get for going back to work and shitting on your work- mates!) with a lovely stage. So after sitting in the corner eating salted nuts and listening in on the wittering of a bunch of hairdressers) I hit the stage running and stormed it, got an encore and was asked back for next year. I hotfooted it back to Andy and Sue's place, The Blue Bell and spent another couple of hours discussing whether the 20 year bar man was really my love child from the days of the strike! The lad was my doppleganger and it did get me thinking!
Sometimes a gig really works, after a lovely afternoon session where I surpassed even myself and the worst meal in living memory (note to pubs selling food: Chilli flavoured chips do not go well with battered Cod! and next time I'm served batter that hard I'll fucking hit the chef with it and then we'll see how hard it/he is!) I turned up at the evening venue not holding out much hope. A slightly older crowd than I had hoped for were crammed in to a room (well, when I say room it was more of a conservatory!) literally inches from where I was standing and they surrounded me, I hate having to turn my back on an audience, though I have had a few turn their backs on me! As it turned out they were lovely, lot's of banter and it allowed me to go off topic and riff with them one encore later I was on my way. It was a long hard night but well with it in the end!
So they've been the highlites of my week thus far and despite almost being killed in my beloved little car twice on Tuesday all in all it's been a top one.
While I was writing this I took a call from an agent offering me a late gig on Christmas Eve, nice and simple and 40 minutes from home. Y decided she didn't like the idea of that. Women! you can't live with them..well I can't since that court order!!!!!
FTM!
Anyway it's been a fantastic week some amazing gigs and against all the odds I've received some very favourable reactions.
The highlites have been:
A show for the North West branch of the Magicians Society. This was a lovely room in the Irish Cultural Centre, Manchester. (This was one gig where I didn't feel self conscious genuflecting before I hit the stage!). The night was an homage to the days of the Wheeltappers and Shunters, some delicious hotpot, a nice (older) audience made for a very pleasant evening. The gentleman organising it obviously went to a lot of trouble and he did a very good job too!
I had my own Christmas party in Chesterfield. The Ark Tavern has held many Mark Rough Comedy Roadshows, I have lots of friends there and the (new) Landlord and Landlady, Lucy and Jim done a great job of preserving the atmosphere fostered by the previous incumbents,(actually Lucy's Mam and Dad). I had a nice gig, was well prepared before I went on. The acts were superb including my friend and writer extraordinaire Crispin Fisher who cracked the best Yorkshire Ripper gag I've heard for ages. John Chambers certainly lived up to the build up I gave him and young upstart Owen Niblock (top comedy name) again showed why he is being talked up in the "industry." The headliner was none other than bizzaro, Freaks Outing. If anyone hasn't seen Freaks, then get along next time he's in your area. Filth, songs, suspenders and a Vicar's lament to a homosexual free Heaven is just a taste of what he's about. A class act. Oh and Y and I got drunk (ish). A lovely office party for the Roughmeister.
The day after was a strange one. Held in a community centre, I was expecting a scout hut. What I got was a beautiful purpose built community resource with a great bar and a fantastic hall with a massive stage and dressing rooms (more of which later!). The audience was slightly down on tickets actually sold but this gig was being held on the one day in the year when everyone gets arseholed after work or indeed in some cases actually at work! I had a great gig and a fantastic night. Funniest part of the evening was walking in on my host/ promoter ( I had no idea she was the closing act) and her colleague in the dressing room.Keeping eye contact with a half naked lady five inches smaller than me was difficult but it was either that or stare at her, not insignificant chest! The ladies in question were Ladiezinc a a sort of Blues Sisters, despite an awful sound they were very entertaining. All in all the best night so far in my Christmas tour!
Once again I found myself in a community centre, this time in the middle of scab country, North Nottingham in a pretty village with a lovely pub run by my friends Andy and Sue (of ex Ark Tavern fame) So I spent a convivial couple of hours before my show chatting and catching up. Again the venue was a fantastic council resource (see, that's the reward you get for going back to work and shitting on your work- mates!) with a lovely stage. So after sitting in the corner eating salted nuts and listening in on the wittering of a bunch of hairdressers) I hit the stage running and stormed it, got an encore and was asked back for next year. I hotfooted it back to Andy and Sue's place, The Blue Bell and spent another couple of hours discussing whether the 20 year bar man was really my love child from the days of the strike! The lad was my doppleganger and it did get me thinking!
Sometimes a gig really works, after a lovely afternoon session where I surpassed even myself and the worst meal in living memory (note to pubs selling food: Chilli flavoured chips do not go well with battered Cod! and next time I'm served batter that hard I'll fucking hit the chef with it and then we'll see how hard it/he is!) I turned up at the evening venue not holding out much hope. A slightly older crowd than I had hoped for were crammed in to a room (well, when I say room it was more of a conservatory!) literally inches from where I was standing and they surrounded me, I hate having to turn my back on an audience, though I have had a few turn their backs on me! As it turned out they were lovely, lot's of banter and it allowed me to go off topic and riff with them one encore later I was on my way. It was a long hard night but well with it in the end!
So they've been the highlites of my week thus far and despite almost being killed in my beloved little car twice on Tuesday all in all it's been a top one.
While I was writing this I took a call from an agent offering me a late gig on Christmas Eve, nice and simple and 40 minutes from home. Y decided she didn't like the idea of that. Women! you can't live with them..well I can't since that court order!!!!!
FTM!
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Monday 13 December 2004
Well, last night wasn't the brilliant night I'd hoped for. For lot's of reasons it just didn't take off.Maybe in the build up to Christmas people are choosing their nights out more carefully, but this time, at a venue where I always attract a good crowd, we were less than half full. The comics performing were superb in a very cold atmosphere and it took a while for the audience to warm up. Unfortunately it was up to me to get them going. Maybe it was me being arrogant by not preparing any material and expecting the audience to go with me, but I was awful and didn't do the comics following me any favours. Still it was nice to visit The Magnesia Bank and catch up with some old friends.
FTM!
FTM!
Sunday, December 12, 2004
Sunday 12 December 2004
The internet on the whole is a good thing. Ok we are bombarded with spam suggesting (quite rightly in my case) that I need a larger penis, that I may need Viagra and that I'd love a Rolex for ten pund, even the porn's not bad. However it can be a place fraught with danger. I'm finding myself being abused on a public forum, someone suggesting wickedness on my part. I managed to get it deleted by the Forum owner but only after it had been up there a while. So tomorrow it's the solicitors for me to sue both the individual and consequently the forum owner for allowing that individual back on the site despite earlier, less vitriolic it has to be said postings. Oh well, on with my life.
Last night was an awful experience, enlivened by the fact that the DJ was a nice guy with aspirations to be a stand up. So I spent a convivial few hours chatting to him and playing a brilliant game. As the gig was for the Territorial Army and The Army Cadet Force, we livened up the night by trying to guess what affliction prevented them from joining the real army. Sometimes it was obvious, obesity in 20% of the cases, sheer ugliness in more than a couple and the inability to dance to even the most basic 4/4 beats!
Said DJ was a star, refusing to play Abba before I went on despite numerous requests from the ladies in the audience. Needless to say, again I overhead a group led by one individual planning to ambush my act by "not laughing". In short he was a twat, I put him down with a simple act of hackery and he soon became bored of me ignoring him and ended up going to the bar to prove I wasn't funny!. Admittedly I wasn't on the night. The audience were made up of age groups ranging from 18 to 70 so they tended to laugh at the reference points aimed at their particular age. I guess it was difficult audience to gauge, I didn't do it too well. I was funnier as the compere of the raffle prizes which gave me the opportunity to gently take the piss out of the winners and prizes. A sort of Mackem Terry Wogan on Blankety Blank if you like!
I'm really looking forward to tonight, I'm at one of my favourite venues, The Magnesia Bank in North Shields. It's the first of this week's Mark Rough Comedy Roadshows.Tonight is a bit special cos I've got two of my favourite comedians on plus one of my best friends and an up and coming act who I'm sure is going places.It'll be a healthy crowd and it's an opportunity for me to get a bit drunk and be on stage without the safety net of my act, just riffing with the crowd, something I'm not brilliant at but I am getting better.
FTM!
Last night was an awful experience, enlivened by the fact that the DJ was a nice guy with aspirations to be a stand up. So I spent a convivial few hours chatting to him and playing a brilliant game. As the gig was for the Territorial Army and The Army Cadet Force, we livened up the night by trying to guess what affliction prevented them from joining the real army. Sometimes it was obvious, obesity in 20% of the cases, sheer ugliness in more than a couple and the inability to dance to even the most basic 4/4 beats!
Said DJ was a star, refusing to play Abba before I went on despite numerous requests from the ladies in the audience. Needless to say, again I overhead a group led by one individual planning to ambush my act by "not laughing". In short he was a twat, I put him down with a simple act of hackery and he soon became bored of me ignoring him and ended up going to the bar to prove I wasn't funny!. Admittedly I wasn't on the night. The audience were made up of age groups ranging from 18 to 70 so they tended to laugh at the reference points aimed at their particular age. I guess it was difficult audience to gauge, I didn't do it too well. I was funnier as the compere of the raffle prizes which gave me the opportunity to gently take the piss out of the winners and prizes. A sort of Mackem Terry Wogan on Blankety Blank if you like!
I'm really looking forward to tonight, I'm at one of my favourite venues, The Magnesia Bank in North Shields. It's the first of this week's Mark Rough Comedy Roadshows.Tonight is a bit special cos I've got two of my favourite comedians on plus one of my best friends and an up and coming act who I'm sure is going places.It'll be a healthy crowd and it's an opportunity for me to get a bit drunk and be on stage without the safety net of my act, just riffing with the crowd, something I'm not brilliant at but I am getting better.
FTM!
Saturday, December 11, 2004
Saturday 11 December 2004
After me moaning on about getting the venue wrong yesterday it turned out ok after all.
Miraculously the M6 was clear and I was in Staffordshire within 65 minutes. As I was early I called into a lovely pub, The Queens at Freehay. It seems to serve delicious food and I had a top pint of hand pulled Bass, I shall be calling there again.The gig was an important one as it was a private party organised by one of my agents for his customers, so I was honoured to be asked to do it.It took place in a quaint village hall complete with stage and a bar! I was on with a Robbie Williams tribute, well when I say tribute he was more of an obituary, I'm not one for criticising fellow artistes but God! he was shite. As usual he over-ran so I had to go on to a crowd that were a bit pissed up and a bit pissed off. There was me ripping the gig, getting laughs, applause and having a great one, until there was an almight bang and the PA system blew up! I tried to do the rest of my set unplugged but the room was too big so I took a break whilst the system was repaired. During that break my nightmares came true, The DJ was playing Abba and the girls were dancing! You try to drag a load of fat lasses off the dance floor to tell them the comedian is coming back on! I knew I'd lost the crowd and the momentum, however I did manage to get them back on track and finished the night to a decent round of applause. Note to self: Don't criticise a fellow artisite and expect to use his PA without it, literally, blowing up in your face.
Tonight it's a Christmas party for HM Armed Forces, what fresh hell is this? With my political leanings, left of Marx, it's difficult for me to do shows like this. I shall bite my tongue, not get into discussions about politics etc and just make them laugh. NB: Not all squaddies are right wing bigots
FTM!
Miraculously the M6 was clear and I was in Staffordshire within 65 minutes. As I was early I called into a lovely pub, The Queens at Freehay. It seems to serve delicious food and I had a top pint of hand pulled Bass, I shall be calling there again.The gig was an important one as it was a private party organised by one of my agents for his customers, so I was honoured to be asked to do it.It took place in a quaint village hall complete with stage and a bar! I was on with a Robbie Williams tribute, well when I say tribute he was more of an obituary, I'm not one for criticising fellow artistes but God! he was shite. As usual he over-ran so I had to go on to a crowd that were a bit pissed up and a bit pissed off. There was me ripping the gig, getting laughs, applause and having a great one, until there was an almight bang and the PA system blew up! I tried to do the rest of my set unplugged but the room was too big so I took a break whilst the system was repaired. During that break my nightmares came true, The DJ was playing Abba and the girls were dancing! You try to drag a load of fat lasses off the dance floor to tell them the comedian is coming back on! I knew I'd lost the crowd and the momentum, however I did manage to get them back on track and finished the night to a decent round of applause. Note to self: Don't criticise a fellow artisite and expect to use his PA without it, literally, blowing up in your face.
Tonight it's a Christmas party for HM Armed Forces, what fresh hell is this? With my political leanings, left of Marx, it's difficult for me to do shows like this. I shall bite my tongue, not get into discussions about politics etc and just make them laugh. NB: Not all squaddies are right wing bigots
FTM!
Friday, December 10, 2004
Friday 10 December 2004
Did you know that there are two Cheadles? One in Cheshire, 15 minutes away and another one near Stoke On Trent, 60 miles away down the busiest motorway in the country on a Friday evening. Guess which one I thought I was doing tonight?
I had a lovely time with my daughter A. yesterday, our original plan to go to a local bistro was scuppered as they don't open early in the evening. Not that it mattered because the company was good, but I had the misfortune of eating in a Brewsters "Restaurant" and I use that word advisedly! We had each had a plate of processed shite, crap service and kids running screaming around us and they charged us twenty pund! I could've gone to somewhere like The Magnesia Bank in North Shields, where, for that price we could have had a delicious, freshly cooked meal in convivial surrounding. I'll say this once and I'll say it again every time I see that fucking Brewster Bear, they are shitholes and should be petrol bombed out of existence.
Well I entertained the good people of Newc***le last night. It was a pool league presentation night. As I was in the bar I heard the Concert Chairman announcing that the Comic "Should be ok, 'cos he doesn't look the blue type!" The gig was hard work, they were determined to hate my red and white guts, however I won them over with my wit and repartee (and some filthy gags).
I ended up with a standing ovation and two encores, daft black n white bastards!
So, it's off down the M6 for me
FTM!
I had a lovely time with my daughter A. yesterday, our original plan to go to a local bistro was scuppered as they don't open early in the evening. Not that it mattered because the company was good, but I had the misfortune of eating in a Brewsters "Restaurant" and I use that word advisedly! We had each had a plate of processed shite, crap service and kids running screaming around us and they charged us twenty pund! I could've gone to somewhere like The Magnesia Bank in North Shields, where, for that price we could have had a delicious, freshly cooked meal in convivial surrounding. I'll say this once and I'll say it again every time I see that fucking Brewster Bear, they are shitholes and should be petrol bombed out of existence.
Well I entertained the good people of Newc***le last night. It was a pool league presentation night. As I was in the bar I heard the Concert Chairman announcing that the Comic "Should be ok, 'cos he doesn't look the blue type!" The gig was hard work, they were determined to hate my red and white guts, however I won them over with my wit and repartee (and some filthy gags).
I ended up with a standing ovation and two encores, daft black n white bastards!
So, it's off down the M6 for me
FTM!
Thursday, December 09, 2004
Thursday 9 December 2004
Was up half the night downloading stuff and burning them onto CD's. Now as an artist I respect a persons right to be paid for the work they do, so I only download new stuff as a taster for when I buy the album. So who to listen to? In my opinion The Futureheads are magnificent, it would be lazy to suggest they sound like The Gang of four and The Jam, but they do! Also The Ordinary Boys are a mod-tastic band from Brighton (where else!) with a kicking 1979 sound updated for the Chav generation. At the minute though it's Roddy Frame and Aztec Camera who are on rotation, and Roddy's track "Small World" the theme to BBC's "Early Doors" is such a beautiful warning of stardom and it's trappings. "Go-go bars filled with showbiz stars and Friday's set aflame, of crashing cars, sunburst guitars amphetamines and fame"
I'm in the North East tonight (well that small town 12 miles up the road from the largest city in the North East) so I'm taking my daughter A. for dinner at a small bistro on the sea front, it doesn't seem that long ago that we were sharing bags of sweeties and flumps together!
FTM!
I'm in the North East tonight (well that small town 12 miles up the road from the largest city in the North East) so I'm taking my daughter A. for dinner at a small bistro on the sea front, it doesn't seem that long ago that we were sharing bags of sweeties and flumps together!
FTM!
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
December 8 2004
As I'm writing this the cleaning lady is hoovering around me and Y has gone to Wilkinsons to buy light bulbs and Cif, what a picture of middle class life, if only people could see through the frilly curtains and see that life isn't always what it seems. I'm fascinated in a Jarvis Cocker way of the lives and goings on of the middle classes in England. Take swinging for example, it always conjures up images of matronly women getting down to it after having the vicar 'round for tea or middle aged bankers rushing home to put their wives hosiery on! Here in this leafy part of almost Cheshire I heard our neighbours (very ordinary, very Cynthia Bucket) having the loudest and passionate sex with the windows open, I was in the garden having a fag and couldn't believe what I was hearing. Needless to say the next morning when she gave me a cheery "good morning" I had to resist the temptation to give her a sly wink and ask if she was sore!
A guy rang me out of the blue this morning saying that he got hold of my number via the web and that he was thinking of organising a comedy festival in the spring and did I have any advice for him, I did!..Don't fucking ring comedians at 8.30 in the morning!
FTM!
A guy rang me out of the blue this morning saying that he got hold of my number via the web and that he was thinking of organising a comedy festival in the spring and did I have any advice for him, I did!..Don't fucking ring comedians at 8.30 in the morning!
FTM!
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
Tuesday 7 December 2004
Gigs are going well, I'll not bore you with all the details every day but suffice to say they're going to form!
This time last year I was in Pantomime at the world famous City Varieties, Leeds. Though at the time it was the most draining and tiring thing I'd ever done, it was also the most rewarding experience of my professional life. We were performing Robin Hood and Babes In The Wood, 58 shows in 6 weeks! Plus two weeks of intensive rehearsals. The director was an ex child star and he was mean, but he got stuff from me that no-one else had ever managed, except the dancing. I didn't realise until last year that I can't actually dance! All those years on the floor shuffling to Ska, Northern Soul and New Wave and I'd been kidding myself, I can't dance!!! The cast were a great set of people and the theatre was a dream to work in. I can honestly say you've never known a feeling like going on stage at 10.00am to a bunch of evil little schoolkids. My co-star who played the evil Prince John was a consummate actor and whilst slightly distant I learned so much from him. Because it was so tiring and the fact that it ate into my lucrative Christmas gigs (yeah the ones I've been whinging about this last few days) I decided that I would only do panto every other year. I should know by the end of February where in the country it'll be. I Love panto, it's often a child's introduction to the theatre, it's got a real magical feel and I shall be going to see the production of Aladdin at Leeds City Varieties this year and yes, I know I shall be yearning to up there with the actors.
Read a really funny story in the paper yesterday, well, when I say funny, it was also quite tragic. Seemingly the BNP weren't too happy when a DJ they'd booked for a Christmas party turned out to be Black! An insider was said to quote "Well, he sounded White on the phone." It would be hilarious if it wasn't so fucking sad. It does put paid to the half arsed theory that the loathsome BNP are NOT a racist party, that they only believe in controlled immigration. "Well, he sounded White on the phone" says it all to me. It does actually reflect something I mentioned yesterday regarding the vagaries of taking direct bookings. I just hope the DJ took the White man's money in advance!
FTM!
This time last year I was in Pantomime at the world famous City Varieties, Leeds. Though at the time it was the most draining and tiring thing I'd ever done, it was also the most rewarding experience of my professional life. We were performing Robin Hood and Babes In The Wood, 58 shows in 6 weeks! Plus two weeks of intensive rehearsals. The director was an ex child star and he was mean, but he got stuff from me that no-one else had ever managed, except the dancing. I didn't realise until last year that I can't actually dance! All those years on the floor shuffling to Ska, Northern Soul and New Wave and I'd been kidding myself, I can't dance!!! The cast were a great set of people and the theatre was a dream to work in. I can honestly say you've never known a feeling like going on stage at 10.00am to a bunch of evil little schoolkids. My co-star who played the evil Prince John was a consummate actor and whilst slightly distant I learned so much from him. Because it was so tiring and the fact that it ate into my lucrative Christmas gigs (yeah the ones I've been whinging about this last few days) I decided that I would only do panto every other year. I should know by the end of February where in the country it'll be. I Love panto, it's often a child's introduction to the theatre, it's got a real magical feel and I shall be going to see the production of Aladdin at Leeds City Varieties this year and yes, I know I shall be yearning to up there with the actors.
Read a really funny story in the paper yesterday, well, when I say funny, it was also quite tragic. Seemingly the BNP weren't too happy when a DJ they'd booked for a Christmas party turned out to be Black! An insider was said to quote "Well, he sounded White on the phone." It would be hilarious if it wasn't so fucking sad. It does put paid to the half arsed theory that the loathsome BNP are NOT a racist party, that they only believe in controlled immigration. "Well, he sounded White on the phone" says it all to me. It does actually reflect something I mentioned yesterday regarding the vagaries of taking direct bookings. I just hope the DJ took the White man's money in advance!
FTM!
Monday, December 06, 2004
Monday 6 December 2004
I watched the Iggy Pop South Bank Show last night, who'd have thought after all these hyears that the supposedly high brow flagship arts programme would feature the enfant terrible the Popmeister. It was fascinating to watch and the footage of the early Stooges was awesome.
The Christmas gigs are coming in thick and fast, I've decided not to moan about them too much...honest!
I was on the phone to one of my favourite agents this morning, she was saying that it is really stressful out there in 15% land. Agents are a strange breed, I have a nice relationship with some of them but of the 27 who actively represent me, I've only met four of them! They are just a distant voice on the end of a phone line or in some cases an email that appears in my inbox asking about availability. I guess that's the way it works these days, but I like the idea of being represented by a fat cigar wielding harriden who negotiates tough deals for in smokey clubs. That's not the case at all, unfortunately, they all seem perfectly normal.
A lot of bookings come in directly now, via my web site. This you may think is a good way of doing business, but it's fraught with difficulties, I like the safety of contracts, payment up front etc. I may be the lone hand clapping here, but long live scrupulous agents, they do a great job and I like them!
The Christmas gigs are coming in thick and fast, I've decided not to moan about them too much...honest!
I was on the phone to one of my favourite agents this morning, she was saying that it is really stressful out there in 15% land. Agents are a strange breed, I have a nice relationship with some of them but of the 27 who actively represent me, I've only met four of them! They are just a distant voice on the end of a phone line or in some cases an email that appears in my inbox asking about availability. I guess that's the way it works these days, but I like the idea of being represented by a fat cigar wielding harriden who negotiates tough deals for in smokey clubs. That's not the case at all, unfortunately, they all seem perfectly normal.
A lot of bookings come in directly now, via my web site. This you may think is a good way of doing business, but it's fraught with difficulties, I like the safety of contracts, payment up front etc. I may be the lone hand clapping here, but long live scrupulous agents, they do a great job and I like them!
Sunday, December 05, 2004
Sunday 5 December 2004
My daughter M came out of hospital on Saturday with a shocking pink plaster on both legs! She has done remarkably well, her op was a serious one and she is now having to cope with not being able to walk. Speaking to her Mum today it seems she's adapted really well to the "frog plaster" and is shuffling around. Children are so resilient aren't they?
The gigs ths weekend were bizarre suffice to say I'm not going to go into great detail but why on earth do people come out to see a comedian with the specific intention of not laughing, fine if they don't get me or even if I'm not funny but I had a couple of punters who I overheard saying "let's not laugh" and one who sat with his arms folded throughout my set and constantly interjected with his own brand of "humour". He was a wanker and tried his best to ruin an evening that was being paid for by his company.
On Friday I was in County Durham and had a fantastic gig, despite the mic not working again!
So I did the show without amplification, they were a very attentive audience and they loved me.
However there have been a couple of dodgy ones, I know I've had a good run recently and was due a dodgy gig and I sort of guessed that it would be one of the "corporate Christmas parties".
Aldi, the supermarket paid me shitloads to do a short set for their North West annual Chrimbo party, they insisted on me being on just after 8pm, a ridiculous time in the evening for comedy especially when the guests only arrived at 7.45! Needless to say they didn't listen, I was wasting my time and Aldi were wasting their money, I cut the set short and fucked off out of there. The second one was a lovely restaurant in Cheshire. I'd been asked back after doing the same gig two years ago. It was a tough one, the "boss" of the company decided to do a "bit of comedy" before I went on, then introduced me as "Paul". I didn't know which direction the audience wanted me to go in, they hated the heather Mills stuff, liked the rude stuff and they constantly interrupted my set. I should've enjoyed it, but didn't. Note to self: Roughy you've got another three weeks of shit corporate gigs like these, some will be good, some awful, deal with it!
The gigs ths weekend were bizarre suffice to say I'm not going to go into great detail but why on earth do people come out to see a comedian with the specific intention of not laughing, fine if they don't get me or even if I'm not funny but I had a couple of punters who I overheard saying "let's not laugh" and one who sat with his arms folded throughout my set and constantly interjected with his own brand of "humour". He was a wanker and tried his best to ruin an evening that was being paid for by his company.
On Friday I was in County Durham and had a fantastic gig, despite the mic not working again!
So I did the show without amplification, they were a very attentive audience and they loved me.
However there have been a couple of dodgy ones, I know I've had a good run recently and was due a dodgy gig and I sort of guessed that it would be one of the "corporate Christmas parties".
Aldi, the supermarket paid me shitloads to do a short set for their North West annual Chrimbo party, they insisted on me being on just after 8pm, a ridiculous time in the evening for comedy especially when the guests only arrived at 7.45! Needless to say they didn't listen, I was wasting my time and Aldi were wasting their money, I cut the set short and fucked off out of there. The second one was a lovely restaurant in Cheshire. I'd been asked back after doing the same gig two years ago. It was a tough one, the "boss" of the company decided to do a "bit of comedy" before I went on, then introduced me as "Paul". I didn't know which direction the audience wanted me to go in, they hated the heather Mills stuff, liked the rude stuff and they constantly interrupted my set. I should've enjoyed it, but didn't. Note to self: Roughy you've got another three weeks of shit corporate gigs like these, some will be good, some awful, deal with it!
Friday, December 03, 2004
03 December 2004
My little girl M had a serious operation at Sheffield Children's Hospital yesterday, without going in to great detail she has come through it really well and despite her tender years she was remarkably resilient and was sitting up yesterday afternoon demanding crisps! My heart goes out to her she is so brave and and her and her Mum must have been so frightened. The consultant seeks her today to determine whether the op was a success. I'm sure it was.
I guess that explains the malaise, well that and the constant loneliness of this job. Ok it may be a cliche but being a stand up comic is without doubt the loneliest job in the world. But it can be fun.
Gigs at this time of the year are notorious for being difficult. Companies insist on booking comedians for their Christmas parties. Some of the gigs are nice but let's be honest I come a poor second best to the sounds of Abba or God forbid Kareoke! I tend to play to the horseshoe at gigs like that, basically play to the people who want to listen and try not to notice the people chattering away in the background.
Having said all that I'm really looking forward to tonight. I'm doing a sportsman's dinner in the County Durham with my favourite compere Dave Greener and my favourite speaker, and proud to say a friend of mine John McGovern, ex: Nottingham Forest and Derby County legend. Will we get drunk? what do you think!
FTM!
I guess that explains the malaise, well that and the constant loneliness of this job. Ok it may be a cliche but being a stand up comic is without doubt the loneliest job in the world. But it can be fun.
Gigs at this time of the year are notorious for being difficult. Companies insist on booking comedians for their Christmas parties. Some of the gigs are nice but let's be honest I come a poor second best to the sounds of Abba or God forbid Kareoke! I tend to play to the horseshoe at gigs like that, basically play to the people who want to listen and try not to notice the people chattering away in the background.
Having said all that I'm really looking forward to tonight. I'm doing a sportsman's dinner in the County Durham with my favourite compere Dave Greener and my favourite speaker, and proud to say a friend of mine John McGovern, ex: Nottingham Forest and Derby County legend. Will we get drunk? what do you think!
FTM!
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
1 December 2004
Had a night off last night so what did I do? Went to see some comedy!!
We went to XS Malarkey in Manchesterford, ostensibly to see a good friend of mine doing his stuff.NM certainly did his stuff, he was very good and the confidence shone through like a beacon. It also gave me the opportunity to see one of my favourite comics in action. Toby Hadoke has been resident compere and promoter of Malarkey's for over seven years, seven years of every Tuesday getting up in front of a huge crowd and making them laugh with jaw dropping regularity. He's a genius and doesn't travel that often, though he is headlining my Mark Rough Comedy Roadshow in North Shields on December 12. It was a great night, the venue, though full of students is also a place where all the Manc comics hang out and I guess that's what I am now, a Manchester comic!
I did get a bit drunk but in a sociable way, not with total strangers, sycophants or on my own.
FTM!
We went to XS Malarkey in Manchesterford, ostensibly to see a good friend of mine doing his stuff.NM certainly did his stuff, he was very good and the confidence shone through like a beacon. It also gave me the opportunity to see one of my favourite comics in action. Toby Hadoke has been resident compere and promoter of Malarkey's for over seven years, seven years of every Tuesday getting up in front of a huge crowd and making them laugh with jaw dropping regularity. He's a genius and doesn't travel that often, though he is headlining my Mark Rough Comedy Roadshow in North Shields on December 12. It was a great night, the venue, though full of students is also a place where all the Manc comics hang out and I guess that's what I am now, a Manchester comic!
I did get a bit drunk but in a sociable way, not with total strangers, sycophants or on my own.
FTM!
01 December 2004
"I bought the paper yesterday, I saw the obituary, and I read about you dying in bed and I just couldn't understand it!"
Written by Weller in 1978 about his soul mate Dave Waller who was found in a hotel room in Woking dead from a heroin overdose..daft cunt!
But I do like the idea of my grey skinned body being lifted and and mourned by people who hate what I do, but like me being deed!
"And I think of what you might have been, a man of such great promise"
FTM!
Written by Weller in 1978 about his soul mate Dave Waller who was found in a hotel room in Woking dead from a heroin overdose..daft cunt!
But I do like the idea of my grey skinned body being lifted and and mourned by people who hate what I do, but like me being deed!
"And I think of what you might have been, a man of such great promise"
FTM!
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